I sat here backspacing titles for this post, trying to think of one that would encompass it properly. And then it hit me. Yes, an amazing band shares the same name but after reading this you’ll agree it’s time. It’s time for women to rage against the machine, the institution, and ridiculous outdated ideas on how we should “behave”.
How do you react when you get angry, like when you’re having a heated argument with your partner or family member? If you’re like many women, myself included, your face gets red, you get flustered, and then the absolute worst happens: you cry. Crying is so frustrating to me when I’m angry because I feel like it takes all the fire out of my argument and leaves me, my argument, looking weak. It’s something I’m working on.
It turns out, harnessing your anger, your reaction to anger, and how you project it are all issues women consciously deal with from childhood on to adulthood, at home and at work. Betty-Ann Heggie, in a recent blog post, shares how in her corporate life she was told that she’d have a better chance at promotion if she “curtailed her anger”. She realized that, as she worded it, she was facing double standards without a level playing field. Men could show anger at work and be considered assertive and strong but if she did, she was perceived as hostile and offensive.
Betty-Ann also looks at how Hilary Clinton dealt with this same double-standard in her career, most notably of course in her recent bid for the US Presidency. In her new book, Clinton’s obvious anger at the result of the election campaign is perceived even today as offensive. Because women are expected to curtail anger and, well, smile and deal with it. It’s interesting don’t you think?
Here I am frustrated that my anger makes me cry and women in leadership roles are frustrated that their anger makes them appear hostile and offensive. Men just don’t have the same battle with anger.
So, how do we work through our anger and make it work for us rather than against us? Betty-Ann dives into this in her post Giving Women the Strength that Comes With Anger and it’s worth the read. As women I agree we need to learn how to gain strength from anger and benefit from it, and for me that means overcoming that switch in my brain that makes me cry when I get angry. For other women it may be learning how to feel comfortable with anger and not ‘slap on a smile and deal with it’ like we’ve been programmed to for generations. And for men? Well, their task is to accept that an angry woman is not a reincarnation of their mother yelling in an apron but instead simply another human being expressing themselves. We need to, both sexes, be able to express anger without a label being put on us for doing so.
We want you to join in the discussion. Fill in your name and email address in the form below and click Begin! Share your thoughts on how you react when angry, and then utilize the bonus entry options below and you might just win a $100 Chapters Indigo gift card. Use it to buy Hilary’s book, a new novel you’ve been dying to read, or maybe something new for your home or office. Take care of yourself and your soul, and then be fierce!
I totally stop talking, not helpful at all.
I try hard not to shout, and for the most part I’m pretty good. I think my attitude comes out more than anything.
I need to make myself discuss and not just withdraw and walk away when I am angry.
I try to use I statements instead of shutting down.
I can speak up when I am slightly annoyed and I can let fly the barbs and be pretty effective but if I am truly angry I tend to just let it bottle up inside. I am afraid of saying something that will be so bad that I will jeopardize my relationships. When I worked in a higher level job in an office I was know as someone very even tempered. In 7.5 years I was only extremely angry twice and in one case I bottled it up since it was a political nightmare if I did not. In the second case my unsuspecting boss came into my office after I had just gotten angry about something the VP had just done (on a project I was working on) and he got an earful. He then spoke to the VP about it and they came back with a much more reasonable compromise so the anger actually worked in my favour. My boss said “wow I never knew you could get that angry” . Since it was something I never did they actually listened when I bellowed.
I’m usually a quite person, but there are times I just shut down and every one knows something is wrong and its wrong to do so
I tend to bottle it up until I explode. Not helpful at all as I have a wild temper that’s hard to control once it starts. It takes something really terrible to make me angry. As I simmer down by myself, sometimes I cry.
When I am angry I usually find a good friend to talk to and vent. Keeps me from blowing up at someone.
Sometimes I don’t want to talk for a while. I think that this can hurt when a conversation needs to happen.
I tend to bottle anger up, release it in a burst, and then cry. Which is not so good when it’s at work ;0 Luckily it hasn’t happened often.
I don’t like confrontation, so, I work to avoid it, at all cost sometimes! Not the best way to deal, but, for now, it’s what works!
When I get angry/upset I often react by getting quiet and withdrawing. Not necessarily the best way to deal with it I know.
I control my anger if my child is present. When I am alone I vent out loud or to a friend. In the moment, I try to succinctly voice my position to the other person rather than close down anymore, but if others refuse to actively listen then I end the communication because typically there is nothing productive in the heat of the moment. I realize anger is usually the result of frustration and I try to find action steps so that I feel empowered and don’t just stew in the emotions.
I usually stew in anger until I can’t keep it in any longer. Then I’ll go off on that person, which is not helpful at all because by then, I am very angry and don’t listen to what anyone else says.
When I get angry I tend to retreat, walk away from the situation. I don’t like confrontation so I tend to back down and then inwardly get angry and hold my anger in.
I hate getting angry, and will usually avoid it at all costs. However, if I do “let loose”, I usually yell a little, and then get overwhelmed and cry. Game over. :o(
When I get upset or angry I walk away and get quiet and think about what happened.
When I am angry I usually manage to explain the reason for my discord but if I can,t see any reasoning with the other party, or If I think words are going to fuel the fire, then I bite my tongue and walk away.
In an heated discussion i usually get upset and cry this hurts my position all the time.I need to work on this !
My voice tone changes and I usually get shaky and pointed in my conversation when I am angry. It does not always help my game.
I remember to deep breath when I am angry and need to chill-out. Sometimes I find it useful to talk in a funny voice. Otherwise my tendency is to withdraw.
I am pretty calm by nature, and tend to bottle my anger – so when I finally blow it can be ugly. It’s not helpful at times as I am too wound ip
just become very quiet. need time to think things through before speaking out. thanks
Sometimes I cry, sometimes I shut down, sometimes I yell, sometimes I write. It can be hindering but also lead to learning/teaching experiences, especially as a mom. Thanks!
Sometimes I get too upset to say anything or may say the wrong thing which is not productive.
I stop talking and take a time out. I like to calm down before I continue
I’m pretty laid back and it takes a lot to get me angry but when I am, then the world knows it!
I tend to raise my voice which is not helpful because it makes the other party annoyed too.
I get very quiet which is not good.
I try to bite my tongue initially when I get angry, because I can get really emotional. I try to not blurt out how I’m feeling at the time, because I might regret what I say later. However if I feel really strongly about something, then I have to put my point across.
I usually display anger by crying, at least with friends and family.
I usually hold it in and use it to fuel my writing and running!
I either give the silent treatment or scream my head off, both of which does not help my position but if I’m yelling, at least I’m communicating, sort of.
Oh man. I try not to show my anger, I try not to yell or show my frustration .. but I definitely show it more than I would like to. Sometimes afterwards, I sit there and just feel completely empty and absolutely horrible…all of a sudden going into my head and putting myself into my daughters shoes and what she is seeing and how she feels. something I really need to start working at is controlling that anger and not showing it
I talk to a friend and vent! If I don’t, I take deep breaths!!
Sometimes I have a hard time not shouting
I like to have time to myself and then about 1 hour I need to talk to whoever is involved.
I am the worst when I’m angry, i shut off usually and get cold. I usually walk away from an angry situation and come back to it later. At the time, not a huge help at all.
I try to be as patient and tolerant as I can be but, of course, there comes a point where I have to let it out. I try to do so in such a way as not to offend anyone or say anything that I might regret later.
I think it’s hard to express your frustration without anger, especially when it’s something you’re passionate about.
Ugh, I’m not great with anger, I sometimes get snappy, but I’m trying to get better! Of course, it often depends on what is making me angry.
Now that I have kids, when I get angry or frustrated, I need to walk away for a few minutes to calm down and react properly.
The most important thing for me is to simply stop, breathe slowly, physically remove myself from the situation and calm down before opening my mouth. Easier said and done at times but i think this self control certainly benefits me and those I love. I also find putting my anger into writing really helps, sometimes i will send the letter sometimes not. Its important to remind myself nobody can ” make me ” angry these feelings are mine and mine to control .
I express my anger in different ways, some of which are more productive than others.
I try to look at the other persons view point and then talk to the person about the situation.
I find that I usually hold in my frustration at work and I go for a quick walk and blow off the steam. At home, I am not so good, I yell at the wrong people or I try to talk under my breath… GRRRR..
I tend to clam up when I am angry would be better if I talked it out!
I just stop talking. Not the best way to deal with it.
I go quiet and walk away which is interesting. Wonder if it’s because I’ve always been taught/perceived that anger is seen as a bad thing in a woman?
I tend to raise my voice which really hurts my position
I usually walk away to collect myself, I do not use yelling voice.
when I am angry I usually lash out, which I know in the end makes things worse
as I get older I am more able to speak up and say how I am feeling and that helps me, it is the beginning for me of figuring out how to solve the problem.
I tend to shut down and avoid the confrontation at that time and then think of all the appropriate things I should have said later!
I usually keep my anger in and let it build up. I know this isnāt a good thing at all
Depends on who it is I’m angry at. With my husband I tend to just let it out and regret some things because they were said in the heat of the moment and not really my true feelings, with others I tend to bottle it up, not healthy either as no one knows that I’m not too happy about something
It depends if I am reacting and affected because of a personal situation or angry at what I see on the news…I feel over the years I have learnt to think before I speak because words have consequences
I cry when I’m angry and it is not at all helpful!
I am someone who holds in anger, i tend to shut down most times (or just take some time to think about and then talk about it) but it just depends on what is or who is making me angry.
When I get angry I will not talk to anyone, I keep quiet and keep to myself, I find that way better then if I start yelling and screaming and crying, I hate crying when I’m mad so now I just stay quiet!
i try and take deep breaths to relax, i get anxiety
I get quiet and sometimes I even smile or laugh… or cry… or yell…
When I am angry, I try to talk with my close friends. If such an opportunity not available, I try to get myself to calm down first before I consider what to do next. If this happens in the office, I will go to the bathroom, cool down and then continue what I was working on before. At home, I try not to shout in front of my kids
I used to just bottle things up inside but as I have gotten older I have learnt that the better thing to do is to speak up for myself. Let people know that I am upset. I have become a lot stronger person for it.
I do shout. I raise my voice, in fact I’ve been told I raise it quite a bit.
I tend to go quiet and avoid the person I am angry with. As a child I had cried out of anger and was teased by my father.
I forgot to answer the second part. I think it sometimes helps because it prevents me from saying something I shouldn’t say or being spiteful. It also hinders since nothing gets solved.
I make very passive-aggressive remarks and then I blow up when the person can’t read my mind š
I usually bottle all my anger up until it comes bubbling out or dissipates. I usually direct it very passive aggressively at anyone and everything. It never ever helps a situation.
It is difficult to control and hard to hide, but little of sarcasm from my side works fine.
I often internalize it…
I tend to hold things in, go a little quiet. I have my breaking points but you wont see it often.
When I am angry at home, I raise my voice (without realizing it, usually). At work, I get totally quiet.
I tend to yell, but most times I will walk away to avoid it.
I pretty much am the same as you.-I agree I don’t like it and feel the same in it weakening my argument.
I try to take a deep breath and calm down, it’s a smart way to deal with anger so you don’t hurt those around you.
I try not to yell and just talk normally!
I try to hold in my anger and avoid any conflict instead of resolving the issue. It doesn’t help because I’ll eventually get angry, and probably cry. Not a good feeling.
I tend to get frustrated when angry – so I might end up crying. Not helpful and I feel awful.
I either cry or get really quiet. Neither helps
I am quite person and if angry I give the cold shoulder. I does not solve the issue.
I get very wordy and sarcastic – which is sometimes helpful and sometimes not.
I am a person who is quick to anger, and when it comes to my children specifically it is definitely not a good thing. My oldest daughter is one who reacts better to calm so I have had to change my approach drastically.
If someone is in danger, I yell. If I was at work, I would be silent.
I often withdraw when hurt or angry. I think I could try to express myself when this occurs and this would help relieve my emotions.
I try to stay calm by taking some deep breaths and trying to decide what I’m going to say to the person before I discuss it with them.
I usually go quiet, keep it bottled up and then explode!!! Not healthy
If we don’t let our anger out, we explode. It’s okay for women to be assertive.
When I am angry I usually find a good friend to talk to and vent!
I need to remember to take a deep breath and think things through before I speak in the heat of anger.
I internalize anger which doesn’t help situations because it delays my reactions till it is too late!
I pretty outspoken about it and sometime I think it hurts my position at the time.
I SPEAK MY MIND BUT NICELY I HAVE RAISED MY SON TO SPEAK FREELY NICELY AND TO EXPRESS HOW HE FEELS
GREAT ARTICLE ON Betty Ann Heggie’s blog post
I have to admit I am a yeller and can get aggressive with roughly moving things. Typically with my hubby it turns into the silent treatment.
I’m a bottler, I bottle it all up until I explode, and cry!
I have learnt to not lose it when I get angry and leave the room for a couple of minutes.
When I get really angry I go really quiet and short with people. It definitely doesn’t help the situation.
How I react/display/project anger is usually to keep it inside. I realize that this isn’t good for a person.
I first react with outrage, then yell a lot and it ends with me sobbing before I can become calm. A rollercoaster of emotions.
I feel it’s not helpful or a constructive way to be angry & does not help my position at all.
When Iām angry I tend to raise my voice. I think it hurts my position at the time.
I am TERRIBLE when it comes to confrontation. It takes everything that I have not to cry when I feel like I am being criticized and/or attacked. My husband has taken to warning me whenever I have a potential conflict that I have to face “to keep it together” as he knows that I probably won’t!
I can be a yeller when I get angry and then I end up withdrawing after.. totally doesn’t help my situation.
I tend to shut down and distract myself until the feeling passes. But I am working on finding healthy ways to express all of my emotions (I tend to dwell in positivity) for a more full human experience. š
I vent. I take some time and walk away. I engage in retail therapy
I still do something that my Grandmother told us kids to do, “count to ten first”. By that time I have gotten my thoughts together and can get my point across without losing my temper most times. Although I have been known to blow up but regret it later.
I usually withdraw and keep it in until I calm down. While it is not healthy to keep in or the long-term, I do think it is important to employ the 24 hour rule to make sure that you are rational and not emotional when you do confront the reason for your anger.
I tend to internalize my anger and not express my feelings / point of view. It is not a helpful approach at all because things never get resolved this way.
My reaction depends a lot on the situation. I’m fairly quiet, but I can be passionate if the issue is really important to me.
I become silent which I’m trying to work on.
i try to “announce” that i’m not going to be a pushover and that even if i am emotional, that should not be mistaken for weakness. then i stand my ground
Anger drives me nuts…….if I’m mad at my kids I usually yell and then I feel awful about it. If it’s at my husband I usually just ignore him until he gets past his issue. After the fact it always makes me feel bad and I think if only everyone could not ever get angry and just talk things out how much happier we all would be.
I shutdown, which isnt good at all!
I hate confrontation so I tend to bottle things up and do the “silent treatment:. It doesn’t help the situation and leaves me feeling resentful and even more angry!
I either close up completely or I yell and cry. Neither one is very productive. Its an issue for me.
When I get really angry, I can lose my temper. I always regret it later. I wish I could stay calmer and express myself more rationally.
I am the quiet silent type it takes a lot to get me angry so I usually keep it bottled up. I am working on that as I am starting to get stomach problems.
This, this is me, “…and then the absolute worst happens: you cry. Crying is so frustrating to me.”
I can so relate, and it’s not awesome.
I guess I didn’t answer the second part of the question. I feel like it hurts the argument. Crying is very hard to deal with.
I do raise my voice and say something back at the person who refuses to hear me when I am talking normally. I feel they are the ones escalating the issue and that in itself makes me angry too.
I typically retreat when angry or very upset (but it really does depend on the specifics of the situation). This response can sometimes be helpful or unhelpful (again depending on the situation). Sometimes some space/quiet can be helpful to diffuse a situation, but other times it may be an unhelpful strategy when communication is needed.
It takes me a long time to actually get angry, so I don’t really show it at the time of the issue!
Honestly as the older I get, I can keep my emotions more intact, I don’t get as angry, frustrated or display too much when situations arise. I try not to bottle my emotions up as that only leads to problems down the road when one has too much hidden & then explodes, most times I just try to reason things out.
And yes men can show more anger at work then women & as my daughter told me, women who do so show their weakness & fragility – like they can’t hold it all together.
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I get snappy. It does not help it just pushes others away.
Sometimes I can end up having an outburst if I get really angry but most of the time I just stew about it for an hour or two and then try to let it go.
I tend to totally shut down or I start ranting- neither of these help my position. But I’ve been working on it.
I tend to totally shut down or I start ranting. None of this is too helpful.
When I get angry, I get quiet because if I start talking, I start crying. I don’t think this helps me in clearing the air.
I boil until I explode!
I try not to raise my voice. Sometimes I just need to walk to cool off if I’m angry.
I think I am at the stage in life where not a whole heck of a lot can get me angry.
I usually will get quiet and withdraw until I have had time to think it over.