My friend, upon discussing a recent issue at school her daughter was having, texted me the other day and said, “Lord help me if they say “boys will be boys!””.
In 2017, it’s astounding that, as a mother of a daughter, she was still worried about encountering that response when dealing with appropriate behavior between boys and girls at school. Does it surprise you? It doesn’t surprise me. After all, we’re living in a time when Donald Trump – known for passing off remarks as “locker room talk” is taking office this month.
I knew Betty-Ann Heggie would have something to say on this topic. After all, her life’s work now is focused on helping women step into their energy and stand tall. In her career as she worked her way up the corporate ladder, she encountered situations and conversations that gave her the framework for the work she does today, after retiring from the corporate life.
Her recent blog post explores how locker room talk not only hurts women, but men as well. She says, “It locks men in a prison of repressed emotion and limits their ability to enjoy satisfying relationships while increasingly subjecting women to sexual abuse. It is to the benefit of both genders to put a stop to it.”
As women, we need to ask our husbands, fathers, brothers and friends to stop and really look at society and realize that Donald Trump is not the exception but the norm in many ways. This quote from Betty-Ann’s post really resonated with me:
We need men who understand the pressure and fear of women who enter a parking garage with keys clutched between their fingers, men who will commit to stopping the locker room talk that perpetuates this environment.
It’s true that locker room talk, and shrugging it off as “boys will be boys”, isn’t just about the comment made at the moment but about a much larger issue. Maybe if more mothers and fathers talked not only to their daughters about how to distance themselves from, and handle this type of behavior but also talked to their sons about the importance of stopping it when they hear it, we would have less incidents like the one my friend’s daughter encountered at twelve, and less people in positions of power with a mouth that doesn’t reflect the values of his nation.
We want to open the discussion to you. Please take a moment to read Betty-Ann Heggie’s full blog post, Why Locker Room Talk Hurts Women AND Men and then enter your name and email address below to enter our giveaway. One of our readers is going to win $100 PayPal cash. Use it to better yourself and those around you in 2017!
I encountered the boys will be boys mentality growing up but I am teaching my children differently. They are 2 and 4 and are the best hope for change.
Boys will be boys,i heard that a lot growing up and honestly i think it’s stupid.I taught my kids to respect people young and old and most importantly themselves.
i have heard that before, boys will be boys and I’m like NO that’s not okay, you need to teach right from wrong, no matter the gender
I heard this a lot growing up, when my brother would do things like act up. Funny how people didn’t say ‘girls will be girls’ when my sister acted up! I try to be careful in the gender language I use.
I have, unfortunately, encountered this kind of talk.. It’s unfortunate that it still exists and excuses in this day and age!
I would be surprised if there is anyone that hasn’t heard and/or encountered the boys will be boys speak. And don’t even get me started on Trump ….
I have zero patience for the ‘boys will be boys’ nonsense – but it exists and we need to take it on every time it comes out of someone’s mouth!
As a Mom of 5 boys, I disagree with the boys will be boys statement for most things and have tried really hard to make sure the boys know what is and isn’t acceptable and that “boys being boys” is never an excuse for bad behaviour.
I hear this a lot growing up and now that I have a girl in middle school she is opening to me about the behaviour of boys in her grade and it is the same thing but delivered differently. I am glad that she is opening up and is more informed of behaviours that are acceptable and not.
My daughter is 3 so not yet but I have thought about it for when the time comes ; (
I heard Boys will be Boys when I was growing up and didn’t like it at all. I taught my girls to respect themselves! We are consciously raising our grandson to be a gentleman like his grandfather!
It irritates me to no end when people act as though we are slaves to our gender. We all have judgment and self-control, regardless of gender. As a mom of only boys, I would be appalled if their bad behavior was ever excused because of their gender.
I completely agree with the quote you gave from Betty – We need men who understand the pressure and fear of women who enter a parking garage with keys clutched between their fingers, men who will commit to stopping the locker room talk that perpetuates this environment.
Educating our boys and men is key and having them stand up to this awful behaviour is also key.
I’ve definitely encountered this in the workplace. It’s quite a difficult mentality to change but as the author noted, it is widely accepted.
Oh I been hearing that one “Boys will be Boys” since my boys were small- they are now in their 30’s guess this never gets old, I feel that boys so not mature as quickly as girls- some never do lol and this was always an excuse if the boys acted up, I do not recall ever saying this but since I worked in child care I heard this quite often from parents whose kids-boys we had problems with them misbehaving, parents need to teach their children yes even the Boys that there is proper behavior
Yes, I have heard the phrase “boys will be boys”. Unfortunately, the phrase, historically, has served to validate inappropriate and violent behavior of boys towards females and to other males who may not conform to the gender norms of the culture. Inappropriate behavior includes unwanted touching of others and sexual talk about others. Violent behavior includes verbal threats, physical violence, sexual threats, and sexual violence.
It is never too late to start the conversation with your partner, with your children, and with others about the topic. One way I have found is to “flip the gender roles”. When one substitutes ‘female’ for ‘male’ in the description of the action, then it becomes very apparent that the social behavior is inappropriate.
When both females and males (who do not fit the gender norms of the area) can move and socialize in work and play areas without fear of threats, intimidation, or violence, then we will have achieved a balance.
Until then, we must continue to call out inappropriate and violent behavior of both males and females for what it is.
I have heard this type of talk. Adults will excuse boy’s behaviour under the premise that “boys will be boys”. They seem to get away with their behaviour just because they are a boy. I agree that we need to stop this mentality and boys and girls both need to be included in discussions to change this type of thinking.
To me the term boys will be boys gives guys an out or an excuse for bad manners and lack of respect for others and themselves. I am happy that my son in law and daughter are teaching my grandson respect and that there is no excuse for bad behaviour.
Even growing up as a kid, I personally experienced this type of language. It’s very inappropriate and when I have kids of my own, they will know that this type of talk is not appropriate under any circumstances.
Thankfully I didnt have to deal with that as I had a lot of condfidence but my 2 girls are young and it scares me what the futuremight bring for them. The world is a lot dfferent than me growing up and its hard to know what to do withthe changing way the world is.
When I was a teenager yes I heard that a lot about boys. I’m teaching my son differently and I know my husband agrees with me.
Boys will be boys my sons granda says this it irks me its not okay.regardless of gender manes and respect are good for everyone.
I have heard about this type of talk but I’ve never talked about it.
Yes, I am of the generation that boys will be boys was accepted and I encountered a lot when I was younger.
I have definitely encountered this talk and as a mom of three little boys, am making it a priority to teach them that it is not acceptable.
Yep it was an everyday occurrence growing up and it still exist today.
Boys should be gentleman no one should ever be disrespectful to others!! I am amazed that Donald Trump won = goes to should the world has a lot of work to do!! 🙁
I think that phrase is absolutely ridiculous. It’s just making an excuse for things that “boys” have total control over.
I heard this growing up and still hear it today, even though we may not agree with this term, it’s one that will always be said and passed on to generation to generation
We have yet to encounter it but have an open dialogue about it!
Unfortunately, this attitude is very common.
I’m having these kind of conversations a lot with my family lately following a situation where my nephew painted his nails. I’m talking a lot about the equality of sexes ans how no roles should be attributed to either sex.
I don’t feel the comment boys will be boys, with today age we are trying to change how boys treat others, we are always trying to change them.
we try and teach our 2 sons they have to treat women with respect… but it also goes the other way. I remember watching an episode of Masterchef and one of the female contestants outright smacked a male contestant and yelled “don’t hit me!” because he had bumped her accidentally … and no action was taken by the show. meanwhile if it had been the other way around I’m sure the guy would’ve been eliminated!!
You hear it all the time, I have tried to teach both my kids to respect each other no matter the sexual gender of that person. It is sad and I would hate to say that it is still going on – boys & girls are talking smack about each other.
I haven’t really encountered it, but I still teach my children to be respectful to everyone.
Yes, I encountered this a lot growing up and I find it still exists to a degree in the workplace.
I had a teacher tell one of my daughters, who is 4, that the boy who continuously bothered her, followed her and hit her, probably liked her. My reaction was a strong NO, when a person likes you they treat you with respect. I was appalled. A boys will be boys mentality is not acceptable!
I remember hearing this very many years ago. Trump and his cohorts used it a an excuse his followers may believe, but not in 2017.
I’ve got a related issue – with a sensitive son. He’s often told to “man up” at 6 years old!
I try to instill in my 2 kids (one boy one girl) to respect everyone. They are close in age and hang out together with all their friends. Bad behavior is not tolerated no matter the gender.
I actually just had this talk with my daughter recently because this is already happening with the boys in middle school (not just high school) & it’s upsetting to the girls who don’t fully understand why they are talking like that.
I’ve encountered this throughout my life, and will definitely have this talk with my children when I have the opportunity!
I have 2 daughters and a son. I try to raise them with the same values. I don’t believe in the boys will be boys mentality. Boys/Men should respect everyone, just as girls/women should respect everyone.
Yes I have encountered this type of talk, was quite prevalent on the men’s sports teams in school.
I have heard this before and I feel it’s important to teach my son that it’s wrong for when he’s older and will likely encounter it.
With social media there have been more incidents of bullying and we do discuss it with the children
I heard of this growing up and didn’t think much of it. I have asked to my children abut it
Some of my sons friends parents have that mentality. I do not agree.
Growing up there was a lot of “boys will be boys” and talk about what is appropriate girl behavior. I am trying to raise my son without these ideals!~
Have never had this chat before although it is relatable
Yes, I’ve heard this kind of talk and it’s sad that it still exists. You need to teach them right from wrong even if they’re boys.
Back in the day, I experienced this kind of stuff personally. I remember being on the school bus and the older boys always pulled my hair… which was usually in two pony tails. One night, I told my mom very firmly, I wanted my hair cut. … so a neighbor came over and cut it all off. I had very short hair….. like a boy. The next day, I went to go sit in my spot on the bus.. I stood and stared at the boys with a very serious look….. sat down and they never bothered me again. Extreme ? Yes.
I am raising two little boys. I expect them to be rambunctious, loud, playful, messy and goofy. This is what I think of when I hear “boys will be boys”. Anything further from that, I don’t accept. I definitely don’t accept any derogatory remarks about women’s sexuality, etc. I’m raising them to see that those kind of remarks are wrong and are unacceptable.
We have to start teaching our boys at home early how to act appropriately. I personally have a daughter who has entered middle school and we are just now starting to have to deal with these types of situations – it’s a learned behaviour and societal attitudes are what also aid in perpetuating it.
In my day and age when I went to school, the communication between boys and girls was bad. Almost cruel at times. The school has taken a lot of appropriate actions to end it but sometimes I feel it;s not enough. Is there really a solution to this problem. I wonder.
I worked at one job that was all men except for myself and heard it all. Was out numbered on anything I said to correct it.
I have definitely heard “Boys Will Be Boys” and absolutely disagree. I have three boys who will always be taught right from wrong. No excuses!
definitely parents need to be teaching respect as do schools.. However, I feel society i sjust getting worse…HEck even our politicians are using bully tactics
My kids have issues at school and i have been frustrated to have dealt with this attitude too from the administration especially when we know that bullying can cause kids all kinds of trouble!
One thing I don’t want to tell my children is that if someone hurts you or teases you that they like you. I would hate for them to enter a relationship and expect this.
I have heard of boys will be boys growing up and that is not how I raise my children. I though them to respect their friends, the young and the old and themselves.
I have a daughter but at playgroups and with relatives, I still see many people with this attitude, sadly. It worries me.
I have, unfortunately, encountered this kind of locker room talk. It’s good to see women like yourself and Betty Ann Heggie openly discussing the topic.
Yes, I’ve certainly heard that. And it is not necessarily so.
I was very conscious to bring up my boys to respect women, and they do.
Very interesting article. I grew up next door to three boys and heard “boys will be boys” all the time. My mom was not keen on that talk and would talk to me about it. My girls are still pretty young so I haven’t had to have this type of conversation with them yet, but sadly I am sure I will have to at some point.
I have two boys (18 & 16) and two girls (12 & 11) and I have stressed to my boys what it means to be respectful of not just women, but everyone. I also tell my girls that they deserve to be respected by all. Do not stand for anything less!
Double standards are still around regardless how hard we try not to encourage ‘boys will be boys’ mentality. I think kids, regardless of gender, needs to be taught to be respectful and try what they like based on interest and not gender stereotypes.
The comment boys will be boys will always be around because there are parents that it is easier to say that than to discipline them and talk to them about their actions
I have two young children, these are definitely important issues and conversations that we will be having regularly in our home as they grow. “Boys will be boys” is something that is still commonly encountered on the playground and in the workplace, and while it is still common today, it does seem that attitudes are beginning to change and many children are now being raised differently! Thank you! 🙂
I have heard it before and it is not right to let them get away with it.
my son is only one so not yet
I have encountered this in school etc , my son will be taught differently, thats for sure!
This is a comment I think everyone had heard at one time or other. I have three sons who are now grown and we brought them up to respect women and men as well. I am proud to say all three of our sons are good men today and they do respect women and men and older people as well. They are now bringing their children up the same way.
I have encountered this type of talk. It is frustrating to deal with and often hard to navigate through. It should make everybody uncomfortable as it is not acceptable. We all have to take an active role to ensure this is not so prevalent. As a parent of a young daughter, I am very concerned about this type of attitude towards girls and women. Thank you for encouraging open conversation.
I heard Boys will be Boys when I was growing up and didn’t like it at all. It has to change.
Yes ive heard all this before !
Experience a lot of this talk when growing up but I don’t believe that “boys will be boys” they can be taught differently and brought up to respect everyone including females.
I have heard about this type of talk but I’ve never used it
I was raised wan attitude…a good one I’m good at putting men in their place when that locker room talk becomes verbal assault.
Now that I have several daughters I can see how damaging the kind of locker room talk that I grew up hearing can be. My sons will be taught that is inappropriate by me and their sisters!
Yes, I have heard the phrase “boys will be boys”, but it was said as an excuse for misbehavior, which is definitely wrong! I definitely would not use that phrase around my grandson and his friends because I do not agree with it.
I’ve oft times heard boys will be boys but never meant for that. Meant in the context that boys will be boys and bring home ‘treasures’, as in worms, or pocket full of rocks, muddy clothes. I didn’t even think of it this way as it’s in the article.
I can’t imagine that there’s anyone around that hasn’t heard the phrase ‘boys will be boys’. I don’t believe that gender should excuse anyone from respectfully interacting with the opposite sex.
I have had this talk with my son many times. I think sometimes that he is afraid to stand up when he hears stuff like this.