From the time our children are young, mothers kneel down and quietly explain to them the difference between an inside voice and outside voice. Children, as we know, have a natural tendency to YELL ABOUT EVERYTHING even when they’re sitting right next to you at the kitchen table. They live life at full volume, full speed, and as adults it’s exhausting watching them.
When we become adults, we tend to use our inside voice much more, ensuring that we are careful around delicate situations and don’t offend. But what if – without us realizing it – our inside voice, that little helper in our head in our subconcious, influences that outside voice? What if you say something, behave a particular way, or do something that isn’t your usual self? Is that you using the outside voice our parents scolded us for, blurting things we shouldn’t? Or is it, perhaps, the real you coming through?
Betty-Ann Heggie explores this in her blog post, “When the Little Helper in Your Subconscious is Not Really Helping”. She looks at how our subconcous is much like a sponge, taking in information all the time, and creating thoughts and perceptions that we don’t even realize.
Betty-Ann lists several examples, and studies, where a subconscious bias was displayed. Looking at gender bias she says, “Often, the worst culprits proudly declare outwardly that without fail, they treat women and men as equals.” Hmm, I think we know a name or two in the media right now guilty of this!
“Awareness is the first step in overcoming our ingrained unconscious preconceptions. We must first make the conscious decision not to blindly follow the instructions of our little helper verbatim, nor succumb to our unconscious gender-based characterizations, many of which present in colloquial speech. We must avoid using dismissive words such as “moaning” to demean the communication style of women, as Bernie Sanders did recently when discussing Hillary Clinton or the equally damaging “whining” as Canadians used in response to Sophie Trudeau’s staffing issues.” – Betty-Ann Heggie
Whoops, I know I’m guilty of using language like this and I guess I had not thought about how certain words match certain gender biases. I appreciate the awareness reading Betty-Ann’s post brought me. While I’m not likely to perfect my speech, I’ll certainly be more aware of my choice of words now.
While I definitely discourage gender bias, I had no idea that I actually had it because I will use whining to describe people, more often women. It’s a small example, but a way to open the door and think about that little voice in your head and how it may be influencing you more that you thought. If anything, that’s what this post, and Betty-Ann’s should being you – food for thought!
This month, we’re asking you to examine when your inside voice becomes your outside voice. Did it surprise you? Learn more from Betty-Ann Heggie, and share your thoughts, for your chance to win a $100 Starbucks Gift Card!
I’m turning 40 in 4 days!!!!! I can’t wait to start using my outside voice. LOL!!!!
That would be a church recently when some adults were being extremely disruptive during the service. I meant to mumble to my husband how I felt but they heard it. Yes it did surprise me but then again you can’t expect kids to listen at church if you don’t.
I don’t yell, but I often put my foot in my mouth. You know that little me that talks to much. Well she talks too much. I have an acquaintance that said she sleeps in till ten every morning. I told her (in a joking fashion) that she should have more children. Apparently she could not have children. I felt so bad. I should have been more kind because you never know.
I was in the hospital with my Dad..he was rushed to the emergency..it was a long night..my nephew came in with his girlfriend and she started talking about arguing about everything..she loves to argue..after a long draining night I said to her “that’s just annoying”! Wow was she pissed, she didn’t talk to me for weeks!
Sometimes at work I have used my outside voice when voicing displeasure with co workers
I use my outside voice too often when I see things I don’t agree with.
It surprised me mostly due to the fact that those around me responded positively.
Dealing with my husband – he doesn’t hear unless you’re loud but sometimes I forget and on the bus it’s even louder! oops
I used my outside voice when interacting with a coworker who was not being professional. My inside voice might not have said anything, but before I knew it, my outside voice gave its point of view!
My inside voice really only makes an appearance at home or with my sisters. I’m never really surprised, but I do need to work with and on it.
Using my outside voice happens a little often with my kids, even when I don’t mean to. Just the other day my outside voice came out inadvertently when one of my daughters decided to cross the road without me. It scared me!
I had a coffee date with my best friend. We were catching up and I used my outside voice! A little embarassing!
I accidentally use it in the office sometimes, especially if I get angry or am listening to loud music. It does take people aback when I am loud.
I use my outdoor voice way to often. My family is so loud that if you want to get a word it you need to speak up.
I often end up using my outside voice, I’m a pretty loud person by nature. It typically only surprises me when strangers look at me odd, lol
I used it with a family member who was making a fuss on my mother’s birthday. It was surprising!
Oh, gosh, I have.. when at a restaurant. Boy or boy LOL
I was talking to my husband about the neighbors teenage children and how I’m not impressed with their actions, they neighbors were in there garage and heard it all, even my comments on the lack of parenting.
Not 40 yet, so trying to be quiet 🙂 And when that doesn’t happen, yes, that’s a bit scary. And because it is, I can’t really remember the last time that happened.
I accidentally used my outside voice during a meeting when no one could agree on a solution to a client’s problem. Instead of sitting down and discussing our options, a lot of my colleagues decided to just start acting like children. I had to tell them to grow up and sit down.
I haven’t used my outside voice
I’ pretty good at using my outside voice especially when it comes ot work. I like to do things correctly the first time not over again after mistakes are made. I have no issues voicing this opinion!
At a parent and child meet up, I loudly called to my son who wasn’t listening. Oops, had some heads turn!
I tend to use my outside voice when I get excited talking about a topic I am passionate about.
I use my outside voice a little too often apparently, my husband lately has been telling me I’m being loud..whoops. I don’t even notice I’m doing it!
I’m known for being blunt, surprising my friends seem to like it & come to me for advice.
I accidentally use it at work sometimes
think the only time I use my outside voice is when I am ticked off about something, otherwise I am pretty quiet
I’ve become more forceful in saying what I think as I’ve got older, which I think is a good thing. People tend to listen to you more when you really need them to, if you’re not known as someone who talks for no reason, and suddenly say something quite forcefully.
The only times I’ve “accidentally” used my outside voice is when I’m super-annoyed, and then blurt out what I’m really thinking instead of bottling it up. Usually in committee meetings when people are blathering just to hear their own voices…
OMG.. I find that since I turned 40 – my outside voice is used all the time.
I am now challenging my hubby – where I used to keep quiet and just do the task at hand… Now I would say — well I worked all day – would be nice if someone would start dinner, or someone to empty the dishwasher or load the dishwasher.
Recently – I told my sister in law that their son was 16 and could be left alone for 15 minutes and to let the boys grow up.. OMG.. I couldn’t believe I said it but, she hasn’t spoken to me (or my brother) in two weeks!!
Yes I am guilty of using my outside voice! I am actually more aware and cautious about it now after having a talk with my husband. I naturally have a loud voice and have not held back saying things i felt in public about other people. or jut talking about stuff that doesnt need to be said loud in public. Or if my daughters have done something they are not supposed to and my mothers voice comes out of me. I am working on it and like I said aware of it now!
try to save the outside voice for outside but it has come out occasionally!
I realized lately I wasn’t being as kind to my husband as he deserved, some of my words were harsh … so i took it as a learning opportunity to better myself
I’m a pretty quiet person, but recently at a family gathering I had hosted I raised my voice and voiced my opinion when one of my family members was getting out of hand. Typically I wouldn’t had said anything but because it was me hosting I opened my mouth. It shocked myself.
Yes I’ve used my outside voice a few times at work, oops
I used my outside voice one time when someone was being rude and impatient with an elderly man. It actually turned out for the best!
at work, i have less patience than I used to.
I have used my outside voice at work a few times when I am overtired. The filter just disappears!
If I get excited about something good or bad I use my outside voice.
I have used my outside voice in quite a few instances as I am known for speaking my mind. One time when playing a card game with kids and adults one of the adults go upset as she was getting nowhere in the game and stomped off into the bathroom. I got up and banged on the door–told her to get back to the table and grow up. I guess it probably was due to she liked to complain about the bad manners of kids a lot. It really ticked me off as she was an adult in her 70’s.
I find myself using my outside voice at work late in the day. I am trying to work on projecting my voice better. But with 30+ little ones all yelling at the same time, my voice gets loud. Usually to sing a song to get their attention though 🙂
I usually try to be calm & neutral when telemarketers call my home, but lately I’ve received so many calls from the same person who isn’t taking no for an answer & I definitely used my outside voice! It did surprise me because I really try not to egg them on but I was raising my voice in anger & couldn’t stop.
Working in tech support I sometimes get frustrated with people and one time I did make my inside voice a bit louder when the person I was pertaining to was just approaching the back door.
When was the last time you said a man got ‘cranky’ or was ‘moody’? I think we definitely use derogatory terms for women much more than men.
When I was at my sons school for him getting an award. I yelled out OMG YES when he was chosen. 🙁 Everyone looked at me but this momma was proud!
I use my outside voice more often that i should maybe but when something bothers me it has to be said….no matter who’s company i’m in !
I work in a hospital, so we try to keep our voices down out of respect for the patients. I tend to get a lot of characters and had one who would say the funniest off the wall things – I’ve burst out laughing and proclaimed: “WHAT?!?” to the dismay of the other patients 🙂
My outside voice seems to come out when my son is trying to take off when we’re grocery shopping.
When I am shopping and there are people chatting in the middle of the aisle holding up those behind them. I have made a comment a little too loudly.
At work when I don’t agree with some things being said or done.
I often use my outside voice. I speak my mind when I find it appropriate. It makes me who I am
I have been known to use my outside voice with those door-to-door salespeople who try to get you to sign an “energy contract”. I am usually a very patient and polite person but they really don’t know how to take no for an answer!
I sometimes use my outdoor voice when calling the dogs.
Yes, absolutely. I have been beating myself up and wish I could take back what came out of my mouth recently during a crisis.
I just turned 40 and my outside voice pops up more and more , it is suprising
lol… I turn 40 10 years ago and I’m french. I’m never surprise!
I have always been passive when it came to disagreeing or arguing with my hubby. Recently, I have been much more effort to let my “outside Voice”.
Once, long ago, I was hung over after a party and 3 of us went out for breakfast. The waitress asked what I wanted to drink. Because I was so quiet, she couldn’t hear me. The third time she asked, I said what I wanted very loud. I didn’t mean to be as loud and thought it may have sounded rude and I felt embarrassed. After that, I was just hoping she wasn’t going to spit in my eggs.
I am sometimes forced to use my outside voice with my kids if we are trying to get out the door to school/work in the morning! That always seems to be the time they remember something they didn’t do, didn’t get, etc and we are always held up. It seems the only way to get them moving sometimes is to yell – not proud of it, but needs must!
I am a loud talker. I try not to talk so loud, but I’m just naturally loud, and its gotten worse as I’ve gotten older (I’ll be 43 next month).
I tend to use my outside voice in the library. I’m not sure they’re meant to be quiet anymore.
I have used my outside voice when shopping with my kids.
I use my outside voice far more than I should (most recently in an argument with an unpleasant person at the checkout line)…and it always surprises me!
I ended up in emergency and the young girl ‘attempting’ to put an IV in me, insisted on placing it in a spot that I mentioned will be difficult for her, however, she insisted, and i kinda swore as she was doing everything in her power to insert the needle. it hurt.
I use my outside voice when my kids are misbehaving
I use my outside voice sometimes!
I have used my outside voice at times at work. It was surprising but then again I did turn 40 this year. Lol.
I used my outdoor voice in church once… not my proudest moment!
We were at walmart and my kid was misbehaving oops!
My outside voice has been known to get me in trouble a time or two. I recently meant to mumble about how a friends dog was acting but managed to say it a little too loud (something like “your dog is such a pain in the butt”) and she heard me. Don’t think she was really impressed.
Sometimes yes it does surprise me but I don’t do this too often thankfully!
I was teaching a class and had never raised my voice but on the one occasion I did, I was a so amazed that it actually worked to quell a major disruption.
I’m guessing my husband says I might speak a little loud to him in public when I get annoyed…lol. Often in the grocery store… I don’t like grocery shopping in the first place.
Coffee is always a must have for me 🙂
I’ve used my outside voice when I’ve been really excited about finding a book I want or seeing a cute cat.
I accidentally used my outside voice just last week at work when I was extremely stressed and someone made a simple mistake. That really was the last straw but it was embarrassing.
At work
I accidently used my outside voice at the library!
I have been calm lately. I cant think of any incident lol.
I have use my outside voice a few times at work. I think it surprise my co-workers more than it surprise me.
My bad, I use my outside voice all the time. I’ve always been told I’m loud so I’m not sure if I even have an indoor voice lol
Things have been calm recently. I can’t think of anytime that I’ve used my outside voice….although, my husband may beg to differ!
i only have an outside voice lol i don’t know how to use my inside voice
Oh my I can’t think of one exact time cause I tend to do it a lot!! I am like an open book so if I am thinking it is said!! Guess I am not liked that much for it sometimes but other timed loved for my honesty lol
I only have an outside voice!
I have accidentally used my “outside voice” with my spouse
I was frustrated about something, don’t remember about what it was
i accidentally yelled at my dog inside the pet store once when he was being disobedient.
When i yelled at my 5 month old kitten because he was chewing on my charger forgetting my landlord lives above me
I’ve been accused of using my outside voice too often, but the problem is I’m not aware that I’m doing it. I guess I just get excited and talk a bit louder than I should.
I haven’t accidentally used my inside voice outside yet, that I can remember. Just to my husband but it’s because we’re so comfortable around each other.
I’ve used my outside voice during meetings at the office. This doesn’t always end well for me! But sometimes its the only way to get someone’s attention!!
I use my outside voice way to often. Probably when I tell my co worker to shush.
I feel that as I grow and mature, I’m learning to keep my inside voice inside. I feel that a lot of times some words are not necessary and I need to think twice before talking. It’s easier for me to shut down than repair afterwards
It was when I was at the mall last week and I seen my friend who is haven’t seen in over 1 year I yelled her name lol everyone stopped and looked at me
At work one time
I used my outside voice when I get over excited or sometimes in anger..
When I get done washing the dishes and then someone sits a dirty dish in the sink. Nothing else makes me that crazy.
I don’t use my inside voice often. But there are time if I don’t agree with something it comes out
I don’t accidentally use my outside voice, oft times its the only way the nephew listens. drives me nuts.
Yep, just the other day getting a tire fixed, and after a lengthy time and a runaround, blurted out what a bunch of idiots…the thing is, I really had no regrets. May I add, I’m usually super nice and easy going lol, but when push comes to shove…watch out! lol
I use my outside voice when I see things that I dont feel are fair
I guess I do this quite frequently according to my hubby, Problem is when I get excited my voice gets louder. Does it surprise me? Not really.
I used my outdoor voice when I had a freak out at work.. They never had that experience with me and I was so mad I started to cry.
I used mine recently while volunteering at my son’s school. I was talking with some other moms, kind of complaining about his lunch supervisor, without realizing she was also in the room. I felt really bad.
I always tend to accidentally yell inside of crowded restaurants. It embarrasses my family, apparently, because they shoosh me and then I just feel bad. 🙁
Oh boy that happens a lot to me……my sister recently reminded me of the first time that I ever met her husband (they’ve been married for 35 years now). We were sitting in the living room of my parents home and the windows at the front of the house leading to the front porch were opened. My brother-in-law was nervous about meeting our huge family and had put on a lot of cologne before coming over. When he came into the house to meet us, I said that his cologne had arrived before he did, yikes!!!
I think I’ve lost my inside voice with my 3 yr old son most days!
I can think of a few times but usually it is when people are moving slowly because they are talking or standing blocking doors without consideration of those behind them. I recall one time when I said Walk and Talk out loud.
Occasionally at work.
I use my outside voice when I’m in a heated discussion about politics.
I apparently do it all the time…my mother is always telling me to speak in a softer voice.
When I disagreed in a argument with a friend
I always use my outside voice to get a point across…then sometimes get told I’m too loud or talk too much, wouldn’t happen to a man!
When I was at a store shopping. The crowd and people pushing was getting to be too much. I cussed under my breath, or so I thought….oops.
Once when I was at work (work in a bank) I was talking to a client and somehow my voice ended up being much louder than I intended!
I use my outside voice sometimes with my hubby simply because he is too frustrating sometimes
My outside voice comes out once in a while…. It always surprises everyone
I have used my Outside Voice recently when my 16 year old had done something she shouldn’t have and I quickly brought the inside voice back as I do not like using the outside voice especially around my children
I have noticed that I have been using my outside voice (accidentally) more often and maybe that is a result of getting older and more opinionated. I used it recently with a coworker who I disagreed with and I was surprised that I was so loud.
I’m sure I use my outside voice more that I should but I can’t remember a specific incident when I did.
I was at a wedding and accidentally used my outside voice when I saw someone doing something really rude.
as i get older, i find i use my outside voice a lot…..hmmm…maybe my hearing is going
When I was standing in line at the grocery store and the woman in front of me cut in – yes I used my outside voice lol. It did surprise me, but what surprised me more was how rude the woman was lol.
I use my outside voice when I’m frustrated or upset/impatient about something and in moments where I’ve been “caught”, it’s never gone down well! Oh well. Can’t please everyone!!
I use my outdoor inside when ever I think the kids are about to do something 1. super super destructive or 2. something that will end in a trip to the ER!
yesterday when my toddler was having a meltdown… I kind of lost my patience and raise my voice
It happened on my way to work the Luther day! Yikes!
I was with my Mom and I just blurted out “Just make a decision!”. I was going crazy with her being indecisive. I was a little surprised with myself.
I use my outside voice quite often at work. oops 🙂
I think when I turned 35 I stopped worrying so much about what people thought of me and spoke my mind about situations. I am never rude, but you know people know what I think.
I used my outside voice while in a bathroom stall with my little boy. Yeah, it was a tad embarrassing.
I laugh when I am nervous. My father got a parking ticket at the airport and I laughed loudly. He was not amused.
At a moms & tots outing, my son was doing something dangerous (and naughty), I was across a large room….outside voice came out as I urgently tried to get his attention to stop what he was doing. It was a little alarming to some…ooops! 😳😬
In church lol
I believe what the article was saying and it’s my inside voice I need to trust more
Usually only when I get frustrated with my daughter.
I have no memeory of a first time this happened.
I ended up talking super loudly in an Uber car on the weekend, but it was after seeing a really loud band. Otherwise, I’m pretty quiet.
I used my outside voice to stop my kids from fighting and I surprised myself ’cause I’m usually a lot calmer… lol
probably at work, and i work i n healthcare. so there are many sensitive situations.
At my wedding my husband and I were approached at the head table by a long time friend. He brought a date and introduced us to her as his newest colleague. I turned to my husband before they even left our table and “whispered” he’s sleeping with the intern — age had nothing to do with it, that was all the champagne!
It would be great to win a $100 Starbucks Gift Card.
In response to your questions of
When was a time when you (accidentally) used your outside voice. Did it surprise you?
I accidentally used my outside voice
when i thought the sales clerk at the pet store was being rude to me.
It didn’t surprise me but i left the store without purchasing anything.
Thank you for having this contest.
as a teacher i’m ‘accidentally’ using my outside voice in the classroom….mostly trying to get the kids to be quiet. 🙂
With my children. Makes me feel bad everytime 🙁
Oh yeah I have used it accidentally with my mom in restaurants a few times.. Always suprises me.
I don’t know what makes me start using my outside voice at times without realizing. Usually, my husband will let me know though. lol.
I have accidentally used my outside voice when I have been disgruntled in the workplace. Although no one was around to hear, I was surprised at myself to hear my feelings vocalized aloud. I knew that the situation was affecting me more deeply than I realized and that I needed to take action and make a big change.
I have social anxiety so I am pretty good about using my inside voice inside and outside voice outside. It sometimes happens though. I happened to complain loudly to my hubby about the neighbour’s dog being left outside to bark while I knew the door window was open and the neighbour was outside. I was pretty embarrassed, and frustrated… and it did surprise me.
I was at the back of church when I had to discipline my young son, just as the music ended. Embarrassed.
I got so mad when someone wrecked my car
I actually use my outside voice too much at my daughter’s school. I forget that only one is, and they are not all my kids.
I did with my dogs out walking they pulled and almost made me fall.
Kids running down the hall in the Mall trying to tell them to slow down
I often use my outside voice inside, especially when in a public place, when you think that the sound in the room will cover your whisper and then you see people turn around to acknowledge the comment. embarassing
I was not surprised. I have always been pretty outspoken on issues that are important to me.
I think when I thought my husband was upstairs and I needed his assistance and I yelled for him to help me (in a kind way) but turned around and he was already standing there…whoops! lol
I first used my outside voice to my boss about 10 years ago. As I was saying it, my inner voice was saying I can’t believe you are doing this but I couldn’t stop speaking. It was so surreal and surprised me immensely.
When talking to my son and told him to learn more in financial aspect and suddenly I said it all, I was stunned as my son looks at me in an awe and simply can’t move with the words of encouragement and wisdom and some reality about life’s finance, Well part of myself is saying, oh dear did I say that?
At the seating clinic where I’m building my new wheelchair. In frustration I yelled my true feelings.
I used my outside voice while inline to pay for groceries. Lady comes to me and asks me if she could just ask a cashier how much something is. I say ok. Then she goes in front of me and never asked cashier how much stuff is just told her ” just this thank you ” and proceeded to pay. I spoke quite loud and told her that it’s not nice what she did , she gave me a grin and said I’m clever not a looser like you
I have moments when my outside voice has taken over, but I try to not do that. As your voice gets softer, people pay more attention, because they are trying to catch what you say instead of not listening when it’s loud and abrasive.
Just the other day, I got to peek in at my little 7 month old nephew and exclaimed “so cute” to which he replied with some wonderful screams.
At a dinner when i was trying to get everyone to sit down !