Sometimes, we get everything so in-line, organize everything so expertly, that we soar. Whether it’s through a week of appointments and events, or a stressful few days while the district manager is in town, those times when we lock it in and excel are simply the best, and worth congratulating ourselves for. I wish that was how life happened all the time, but it seems that we tend to remember, and begrudge, those other times when we make it to the weekend looking a little beaten up from the week, or trip over ourselves in speaking to a superior and regret even opening our mouths in the first place.
Why does this happen? In her latest blog post, Betty-Ann Heggie explores how we all, men and women, have certain patterns that we’ve followed from birth and that these may, in fact, inhibit us in those frustrating flying-in-circles situations. When we’re not progressing, it makes sense to take a new approach.
From the time we are born, boys are rewarded when they suppress their emotions, and for acting tough and being self-reliant individuals. Meanwhile, girls are expected to be empathetic and caring relationship builders. It is difficult to move away from and break out of these patterns and as a result, each of us, male or female, operate using only half of the attributes and options available to us.
If you’re flying in circles, consider figuring out how to take a new approach, and unlock that other wing. In her example, Betty-Ann explains how she worked in a very male-dominated environment, so in turn her mentors were mainly males. This, she says, helped her grow. She, of course, sought out female mentors later in her career and if you’ve read Betty-Ann Heggie’s blog you know how important womentorship is to her.
But, she explains in her blog post, male mentorship helped her greatly and she now sees the positives from she herself mentoring younger males. It makes sense to use your gender differences as a strength. And no, she says, male/female relationships are not inherently sexual in nature and that this is conditioning and actually quite discriminatory (but may, I suspect, be a big reason why younger females are hesitant to reach out to an older male as a mentor).
If you feel like you’re doing the same thing over and over again, or not able to achieve the change you’re looking for, perhaps it’s worth looking at what’s holding you back – and, as Betty-Ann puts it, unlocking that other wing!
This month, we’re asking you to read Betty-Ann’s blog post “Unlock Your Other Wing and Soar” and then ask yourself to think about a time when taking a different approach worked for you! One of our readers is going to win a $100 Starbucks Gift Card as a thank you! Use it to take out a mentor for coffee, or maybe to treat yourself when it’s been one of those weeks.
Definitely when dealing with one of my sons. He has selective mutism, intermittent explosive disorder and autistic tendencies, and I can’t parent him the same way I parent my other 4 boys. I took a step back and changed my approach with him and its really helped. Its still hard, but there has been significant improvements.
Not meeting anger with anger. Taking time to actively listen, reflect and stay calm: respond don’t react. Always effective!
A different approach needed to be taken with our drop in relatives from out of town … who then needed to be pushed out the door when their stay had clearly come to an end. We drew the line and let them know they were welcome but firm dates needed to be pre’booked’.
YIP parenthood this happens ALOT! I found by not yelling you can get results.
When the little one was acting out I took a different approach because the one that used to work no longer worked and I needed to find something that would work! It took a few tries but I think I found something that works! Time outs were no longer were working!
This happens so often in my experience as a parent! Lately I’ve been dealing with quite a bit of attitude from my oldest daughter and while my initial reaction was to get angry, which was absolutely NOT working, I switched to a more compassionate stance. I’ve been trying to approach her with kinder, softer, quieter words, expressing a more positive message, and in turn she does the same!
We are creatures of habit and I know when I was younger there were many instances when one approach didn’t work. I needed to learn to change and adapt and I learned through experience.
My dad and I rarely but heads, but one afternoon when I was a teen that seemed to be all we could do. He was frustrated since he couldn’t get a piece of drywall cut correctly and all my suggestions were wrong. I finally left and he followed. We went out for a coffee so we could regroup.
I took different approach to deal with our customers, since everyone can have bad day, mood, depression or some health problems. They probably do not target at you, just need more rest same as I need.
When my daughter was little she used to scream at the store when she wanted something.i used to justlet her scream and that was useless.then iIstarted leaving the store as soon as sshe’d start to scream. She learned quickly that screaming doesn’thelp and she was great ever since
I find that I often have to take a different approach. Usually I have to take a step back and look at the situation specially if I am not getting the wanted results. I do that with Parenting my kids. I am always trying to find out to make the kids click to get them motivated to do things for me around the house.
I am taking a more relaxed, listening approach with my children and they are responding better than they ever have.
My oldest son does not respond well to raised voices. He is definitely the type of kid who can be told that someone is disappointed in him and he will respond by changing his behaviour. This has taken me some trial and error to learn.
I experience this often being a mom and a grandmother. When one becomes persistent or acts out just be patience. Honestly I sometimes ignore it totally if not a serious issue and let them work it out themselves.
I used to close myself off and distance myself when I was angry at someone. This resulted in a lot of wasted time because I just wasn’t open to talking to the person. But now I take a different approach to dealing with these situations: I now actually approach the person to we discuss the issue.
In photography, I used to rely solely on the full automatic focus. Then, I decided to try some new and creative manual focus techniques. The results were wonderful.
In a job interview for sure; when i really did my homework rather than rely on personality.
Take time to listen be patient
I have started when the kids get mad and yell, I whisper. It calms down the situation because people who are angry are not expecting you to whisper, It works great.
I have started a more relaxed, listening approach with my children
I run my business from home and I would constantly say yes to everyone and everything and work on Sundays when I really didn’t want to. I was going in circles all week and never having down time. Finally I said no and a funny thing happened….people changed their schedule to make it work for me. Taking a different approach worked.
When I was a teenager and in a fight with my mother, instead of yelling back at her I decided to tell her whatever she thought would be fine but I wasn’t going to fight with her. Then when she had no one to fight with she cooled down and had a conversation with me, which resolved the problem.
I stopped giving “never ending warnings” and just simply took action and did what I said I was going to do.(Parenting) worked sorta -for a while anyway.
I was having issues with a puzzle but then I chose a different tact by sleeping on it and sure enough a solution presented itself.
Be patient take time and listen to your children!!
When it comes to my kids. I like to yell unfortunately and that does nto get results. When I am patient and praise results happen faster
I think parenting is a great topic that fits this category perfectly. I use to always think that there’s one way to parent, but now I think parenting is more about adjusting as you go. Every child is different and parenting needs to adjust for those differences. I once thought that rules are set up for safety, but in reality it was more set up to combat the unexpected. I realized now that yelling doesn’t work, but reasoning at an appropriate age level does.
Instead of raising my voice with my son, I will count to 3 and then tell him to use his words or to calm down. It has worked!
Taking the time to think or sleep on a situation before reacting to it, I feel it helps me get my pont heard because I’m able to communucate calmly and more effectively.
Keeping quiet and not reacting to situations
Often times I find continuing to try to process something with a person can just backfire. At times the best response is planned ignore to cool the fire and things can be processed later. That can be hard at times to accomplish though when you just want to get your point across.
I learned with a coworker not to answer back, just to wait. And eventually they’d come back and ask. Not natural for me to do, but it worked.
Potty training was a real struggle with my twins, but we finally got there!
my mother always tries to start fights and if she begins to focus in on something I simply chance the subject to something she likes and it diffuses it
I found that when I am angry or upset with someone to not yell at them. To let them know in a “normal” voice how I feel and how they made me feel. By approaching them this way there is a lot less animosity.
I’d say accepting the need for help. For a long time, I tried hiding parts of my life because of my disease. I stopped caring and I’m so much happier and comfortable about life.
this was a few years ago but for a Job that I really wanted, I did know a few people that already worked there so I found out exactly it was they did, how long they been in business mainly the whole history of them and when I went for my interview I was totally relaxed and ready for any questions, and i found the boss was so easy to talk with and he hired me on the spot. Being prepared always helps
When my daughter would get mad I would take a different approach by giving her a hug and instantly she wasn’t mad anymore.
In dealing with my mom I have recently changed to not making excuses for her. She does what she does and I can’t own her behavior, only my own.
My child is a toddler and sometimes doesn’t listen to my instructions, especially when we are all trying to get ready to go somewhere. If he doesn’t listen to my normal tone of voice, or my slightly louder insistent voice, I’ve found that whispering can help distract him and get him on board!
Another approach was being self assured, confident and firm about a decision I made in regards to work.
I took a different approach with an employee at work and it worked wonders.
I had to find a different way to speak to my child, I found if he was frustrated when doing homework and I got frustrated it was discouraging to him, I learnt how to talk to him and teach him without frustrations rising
I think I’m constantly having to come up with new approaches when parenting – Otherwise I feel like I’m butting my head against a wall!!!! One thing I learned is that my kids sometimes need space. Instead of trying to resolve an issue right away, I started walking away and letting them process it first – then approaching it again later. It helps!
I think when I learned to sit & talk with my husband about what is going on in our lives/concerns etc instead of using my old approach of just trying to deal with it all on my own made a big difference in both my stress level and the quality of our relationship. Sometimes a different approach is the best thing you can do.
I am more patient now that I learned that sometimes it takes time to accomplish something.
I think not letting fear rule me and taking chances has given me much more opportunities! Speaking up when I am normally quiet has some power!
indeed with my oldest son and his schooling, he was headed down a bad road with some not so nice kids, but finally he saw the light on his own, and later thanked me.
I started a new approach with my kids a week before school and so far so good. Jacks behavior is improving when it comes to school.
Be patient, with a house full of teenagers. It doesn’t help to yell 🙂 it seems things are better with you take the time to sit and talk
I work with my sister at an office & I’ve noticed her being quite rude to fellow employees & myself the past few months. Instead of blowing up at her like I’ve done in the past, I thought that maybe she isn’t aware of how she’s treating people & had a calm talk with her, using empathy & trying to put myself in her shoes to understand why she might be acting that way. Turns out I was right, she had no idea she was being that way. And now our workplace is a better environment because she is working on having a more positive attitude.
Often with my 3 yr old, just at breaking point instead of lashing take a breather and redirect worked better
I decided to follow my heart and switch careers
Take time to listen be patient with my kids who have adhd
I try to listen more, my first instinct when arguing or disagreeing with someone is to talk more (& sometimes louder) I’m trying to change that.
The best results I ever got was listening to the Dr. when he told me I only had 6 months to live. Told him I wasn’t going anywhere and 16 years later I’m still here.
I was in the store shopping for clothes when my little guy wanted out of the cart. Then he hid in a clothes rack. I couldn’t find him. When I put him back in the cart he screamed so much I left the store.
I found that by acting in a non-aggressive manner I’ve gotten the results necessary. No interrupting, no raised voices all worked to accomplish the necessary end result.
A few years ago, I was known as the mean friend. Straight up advice, no holds barred opinions…. I’ve since changed my approach to how i communicate with my girlfriends, being supportive and a good listener instead of throwing out what I think they should do with their problems when approached for advice.
I’m much happier now!!! (as are my friendships)
A few years ago, my relationship with my hubby was very tense. It could be because I gave birth to our second kids, lots of work at home, really stress out. Things weren’t right at the time and I always felt very frustrated. Finally, I decided to give up on pinning on everything, including him, not to get him to do anything. Simply gave up. But then things actually get better since then. He started doing stuff that he did not do before and because I was not so tense, things look better!
My child, 5, sometimes says he’s not taking questions. So I told him, “That’s too bad. I was just about to ask you if you wanted me to get you 10 new toys.” He now always takes questions.
I have figured out that when you say ‘time to go’ and they say 5 more minutes, start saying that it’s time to leave sooner. So simple. why didn’t i think of it sooner
Staying strong through a nightmare of a separation.
A positive approach and changing the focus of the problem so everyone can calm down, works well with the small kids
Definitely found this to be true with getting healthy again. After I had my daughter, I let myself fall to the absolute bottom of the priority list. I didn’t take any time to myself, ever. I was so absolutely exhausted. I found out that my thyroid was out of whack and was put on a synthetic dose. I felt a bit less wiped out, but then started making changes to my diet, began to take regular walks, and finally, joined a gym. Things I didn’t have the energy for (or that I didn’t give myself permission to do), suddenly GAVE me energy. They gave me a small break to do something just for me, which I desperately needed as a stay at home parent. That time helped me reconnect with my old sense of self, and self-worth. I’m in a much, much better place now mentally and physically, which makes me a better parent to my daughter 🙂
I took a different approach when dealing with my hubby. Instead of nagging when I wanted something done, I asked him nicely if he wanted my help in doing it. Surprising to me, it worked! :o)
Active listening is a huge component thanks!
I have learned that actually confronting my anxiety and doing what is scaring me anyways has a way better outcome than just hiding from it.
I am taking a different studying approach to do better in school!
Yes, I took a different approach when I was working with a co-worker. She was very moody and would push me to my limits. So I decided to ignore her when she was moody and it work.
I’ve learned to have more patience and stop rushing when I get behind in a job. I found that rushing usually causes more problems or mistakes.
I have always been stubborn and thought I could do it all, didn’t ask for help, now I realize that asking for help keeps me calmer and more relaxed .
I have a few anxiety disorders and tried so many “self-help” programs, medications, methods. I felt like I was always in a loop. It wasn’t until I stopped trying and just gave up trying and let the fear happen that it started to get better.
I find with my younger grandchildren I need to step back for a few seconds as if I show them that I am frustrated it makes them act out more!
I think I have learned that changing my approach with dealing with certain types of people has helped me a lot. Everyone is different and so sometimes taking on a different approach can be more advantageous.
Definitely with co workers
I’ve learned that, during an argument, telling people that they’re right often gets their attention long enough to make my point.
I always find when dealing with children being able to approach things from different angles is very helpful. They just don’t see the things the way you do so approaching them in a different manner can go a long way. When my nieces are upset I try a few different things until I find a way to talk to them and make them feel better. It’s a good feeling to be able to see things in a different way than you normally would for a happy outcome.
I used to manage clothing stores and they were mostly staffed by teenagers, I was constantly changing my tactics to encourage them to work. I ended up being both bad cop and good cop at the same time to make things work, depending on who I was talking to!
Try as I might I cannot think of anything right now? I feel like I’m making the same mistakes over and over again. I think I need to stop and step back and try something new.
Trying to save and be wise with how we spend our money we decided as a family to do stuff that will save us money like eating more at home, spending in cash instead of using our cards and cut on entertainment expenses and be creative in how we enjoy our time.
Instead of go-go-go we took time off from commitments, classes, extra curriculars, and just hung out at home for a semester (not school and work, we still did that!) and we found we liked the non-rush it was giving to our lives.
Hmmm ….. when I had trouble planning my garden and wasn’t getting anywhere, I tried another approach … I just got my husband to do it. 🙂
Sometimes when dealing with my mate, it’s worked better to do something different than I normally do.
My sister can be so difficult to reach at times..I decided to try a different approach and she finally gets what we’ve been trying to get her to understand..amazing feeling to finally connect with someone that’s been difficult
I just started a healthier lifestyle.
trying to get my kids to eat more veggies- making more of a selection (of different veggies) translated into overall increase in veggie consumption
I finally started looking after myself and not let other people dump on me
I used to yell at my little sister to try to get her to listen to me and basically do as I say. But it resulted in lots of fighting where neither side listened. Now I try to word my questions carefully and be logical with her and have discussions about where each other is coming from instead of a yelling match.
I let my daughter make the mistake then she listens
I learned a very hard lesson once when I assumed something about a situation. Still haunts me today. So now I take the time to really listen, gather the facts and ask the right questions. This is always in the back of my mind and takes some practice. (at least for me)
My daughter has a strong personality and I often try to take another approach before I respond. I find that empathizing helps guide me and helps me guide her.
I used to argue with my boys but now instead, we sit and talk about and underlying issues that they tend to have or having. works out so much better that way, no stress
When dealing with my teens and sometimes even my hubby. Sometimes, you need a fresh perspective and new ideas. Sometimes it pays off too and it’s way better than screaming and flailing.
When I was trying to get my son to do his homework and I was at my wits end when I finally just sat with him and he was done in no time!
taking a step back & changing how I react to things has worked wonders for me.
When tackling a project, you always think your way is the best way (at least in your mind) and until you hit a brick wall, you rarely consider another opinion. However, in listening to the ideas of others and then selecting the appropriate method, or a combination of the methods to construct a better one, you all share in the success of the project.
I have learned to relax as I am older.
I was trying to change a flat tire and could not exert enougth pressure on the tire iron to do so…my brother suggested, and went and bought some WD40 and we sprayed it on…you guessed it
When I surprise my kids with a different reaction to something that normally really upsets me they look bewildered and I get the apologies much faster.
Learning to stand up for myself at work, with friends and family, has made a huge difference!
I find that the more boundaries I place on my teenage daughter, the harder she pushes to get her way. If I allow her some freedoms she is less likely to ask to do things I am uncomfortable with. It’s tough letting our kids grow up!
For me it has to happen daily as a parent. When things don’t work with our daughter who has anxiety I have to step back and look at it from her eyes and word and take a new approach.
being FIRM and standing up for myself with my ex … it finally changed our dynamic and he doesn’t waste his time disrespecting me any longer
Instead of being non confrontational I said what I wanted and didn’t care!
With various personalities at work I have learned not everyone wants to be approached in the same manner. Some people want a one word answer with no explanation required, while others need more detail leading up to the decision. I have learned to ‘choose my audience’ when passing on information.
I have learned to not sweat the small stuff. It has helped so much. I tell myself that I can choose to be less affected.
Definitely listening to my children more and not getting upset with them has definitely given amazing results
My 4 year old is very stubborn so I am constantly looking different approaches to try to get him to follow the rules
try to stay calm, be kind & always address issues when you have had time to calm down,
I find that allowing a difference of opinion without needing to argue and be right, helps in understanding my kids, I listen more.
So many instances when this could be a better approach to solving a dilemma. Rather than doing something the same old way that isn’t always productive I asked myself what would me friend do. The one who is organized and seems to always have it together. Sometimes stepping out of your own shoes and observing your situation from the outside in really helps. It’s all about changing your perspective and having the courage to try doing something another way.
If someone is rude or gets angry over something small, I try to look at it as maybe they are having troubles at home or in their life that makes them this way, that may explain their behaviour.
I used to worry about the future – now i say “i wonder what will happen” instead of projecting fear and worry – it def lowered my stress level!
Remaining calm while talking to my son’s. I find that I get more response out of them once I use a calmer tone. I have to keep reminding myself to be patient with them. Although it can be hard at times.
With my weight, I stopped believing it was all or nothing. If I fell off the wagon, I just started again instead of bingeing and feeling like I had failed. Slow and steady instead of immediate big results.
I’d have to say that my current weight loss is a different approach than before. Instead of “following” a plan, I am listening to my body and learning to decipher what it needs/wants and what works for me.
Dealing with my son was definitely a time I had to take a different approach to get correct results. One time my son was refusing to do chores and when I kept telling him to do them he would just say no. So instead I shut the tv off and talked to him about how everyone in the house has a job to do and its not fair for one or two people to carry the jobs for all three. He held his chin up and marched upstairs to clean his room and fold his laundry and put it away
I use this all the time at work. After working on a problem the same way I always do but not getting results, I stepped back and figured out how else to approach the problem, which solved it!
I’ve been stressed out with work and things in life and my friend took me out for coffee one day and gave me great advice and what to do to help me with my stress. I took that advice and its working. Staying calm, drinking water, relaxing more, more me time, etc.
Take time to listen
I used to nag my kids about doing their chores and it just frustrated everyone. When I changed my approach to using a chore chart and no nagging, they became much more likely to get their chores finished so they could check them off the chore chart and get their reward at the end of the week.
We have been trying to negotiate with my son. It worked through age two but he’ll have none of it as of age 3. Now we’re at taking toys away. It’s is working so far!
A long time ago I read a post that pointed out a scenario –
After a busy day you come home, hands are full and when you walk in the door you trip over shoes, backpacks/ toys…you yell at kids because they didnt put stuff away
OKAY same scenario- busy day…hands full BUT instead you walk in and no problems….Do you praise kids for putting away shoes, backpacks/toys?, Most often not
Point is focus on the POSITIVE and not the negative and you will see more POSITIVE actions!
I try different things. I look online for tips
With my kids because they are so different I have to try different things with each of them before I knew what worked, and with who.
I have had to take a different approach in parenting my two kids. As they seem to misinterpret what i say at times. I have also learned to be more patient as kids will wear you thin at times!
With some family members
never react when you’re angry. I can have a pretty bad temper and say things in the heat of the moment. now i just tell them that i’m upset and walk away. when i’m more cooled down then i will talk to them and let them know what is on my mind. i’ve avoided alot of heated confrontations
it took me a long time but I finally figured out that complaining to my husband wasn’t working and now if I want him to do something I ask nicely and always thank him for it after.
My Mom’s memory isn’t very good now and when she says things that are wrong, I just go along with it now, no correcting.
When dealing with difficult customers at my job it has helped me to have a different look and to realize it’s not a reflection on me. They may just be having a tough day. You just never know what someone is going through, and to realize that and not take in personal has helped me feel more positive at work.
i’d take a different approach..definitely listen and stay calm!
Parenting sometimes used have to use logic other times you have to use rewards
Instead of getting stressed out while driving in heavy traffic, I try and count to 10 before freaking out. It’s helping.
With 3 boys in the house, the same parenting techniques doesn’t always work on all 3. My oldest learn on time outs…a stern voice will sometimes do the trick. My middle son will not learn on timeouts…he needs an explanation as to why he can’t do something. If he understands it, he will stop doing whatever he is doing. My third son, you can talk to him and he won’t listen. He needs the time outs. lol, they are all so different!!!!!!! My logic is always being challenged with them. lol
Instead of getting frustrated & yelling at my son when he’s having a meltdown I’ve recently been able to calm him down by singing or getting to take deep breaths with me. It’s a more positive way to react to the behaviour.
Standing in the shower, remembering my mother’s words, if you want something you need to do it yourself, don’t wait for someone else to do it, because it wont get done.
Worrying about the bad 20% and focusing on the good 80% really improved my relationship with my partner.
I learned at work, that it is best to finish listening before you just to an early conclusion. Think before you speak
I found that when changed my way of dealing with one of colleagues at work, made it possible to understand them better.
We have been struggling with bed wetting and some accidents during the day with our 7 year old and initially we were getting frustrated but now we handle it with talking it out and helping him out of love and it makes it go more smoothly
I changed the way I interacted with my boss. It did work.
My in-laws can be challenging but I have been trying to take a different approach and see things from their perspective. Hard, though!