I’ve been watching a different dynamic unfold on social media this spring. A year or two ago, celebrities and your friends online were touting the benefits of a tribe, a sisterhood, a group mentality that encouraged togetherness and strength. Somehow, over the course of a year or so on social media (which is like a decade, in what would have happened offline) the idea of a tribe started to turn into something ugly.
No longer was it a way to celebrate your friendships and common goals, but it became very much an us vs them look at life. Check Instagram for a visual definition of tribe every single day and you’ll see a group of women, mostly, showing the rest of us that we are not a part of them. Yuck.
Whatever your reasons may be for walking away from the tribe (perhaps you, like me, had your blinders removed and saw the ugly standing there in front of you), it can be both liberating and scary realizing you are no longer a follower.
Betty-Ann Heggie, in one of her latest blog posts, shares how the one-mind philosophy happening in the US during the current election is a huge wake-up call to the rest of us. Looking at the celebrity-reality-show that the election has presented as for the past few months, she suggests that instead of blaming the candidates, perhaps we should look at the electorate themselves. “The leaders and the followers are creating this paradigm together. Reporters simply hold a mirror up.” After all, if a candidate’s ideas were absolutely unsupported by the public, they wouldn’t get very far.
It can feel uncomfortable to look at the other side of a debate or politician’s stance on something. Betty-Ann explains, “Most of us gravitate to those who agree with us rather than investigating alternate ways of thinking about things.” However, the real danger in this election, and in our society as a whole, is when we stop making individual evaluations, having our own opinions, and taking the views of others as our own. That’s when the tribe no longer works.
This month, Betty-Ann’s blog post is serving as a springboard here on Feisty Frugal & Fabulous for a larger discussion on that tribe mentality, and the need for women to have a core group of friends and supporters, but also have a mind of their own. A tough tightrope walk sometimes. We’re asking you to share a time when you stepped away from the flock, the tribe, the clique or maybe even your family and used your own judgement.
Felt good, didn’t it?
One of our readers is going to win $100 PayPal to celebrate yourself, or take your girlfriends out for dinner, or maybe your spouse. It’s about having a mind of your own after all, your prize is yours to do with it as you will!
I stepped away from a promotion at work once. Just because I knew someone else would fit it better!
I left behind friends and family each summer in my teens to work at a camp for primarily underprivileged children. A great choice (it’s where I met my hubby) 😉
I walked away from friends once when they wanted to do something that I thought was dangerous
I’ve never really had a “flock, tribe, clique or family” My best friend threw me under the bus when I was growing up, she ruined me, to the point where I’ve never trusted another woman so I’m unable to make friends so I stepped away from the social scene and I’ve never had a large group of friends, and my family has always been different then me, since I could remember I was always the black sheep of my family, I wanted more from life so I stepped away from their way of living and created my own with higher expectations and I love where I am now.
That sounds terrible Roxanna and I’m sorry that you lost trust in women after that. I can completely understand why though. Hopefully, some wonderful woman will step up one day and show you that true, beneficial, and trustworthy friendships can happen. They’re out there!
When I finished High School and went on to pursue University studies, I left my tribe of friends who decided to not attend a post secondary institution. It was difficult at first because we had a strong circle of friends, but we chose different paths, and I had a dream of furthering my education which led to my decision to leave.
I stepped away from all the negative people back when I in my late teens early 20’s that did not think I could run my own business at the time..proved them wrong and with hard work and determination suceeded.
I don’t mind the term “tribe”; the word to me means sisterhood, sharing similar values and thoughts, support and friendship. You may agree to disagree, and not made to feel like an outcast for having a different opinion.
I don’t like the word “clique” – it comes off with a negative connotation. A “clique” is a group that won’t allow others to join in. The group makes it clearly known that it is exclusive, and to be a part of it is not going to ever happen. You’re out of the group if God forbid, you have a different point of view!
I’ve always found that there are too many cliques in the social media atmosphere. I’m happy in my own little corner right over here 🙂
Good points – I feel like using the word tribe is just putting lipstick on a pig. Clique has a negative connotation but if we use the word tribe it somehow makes it less abrasive. Ya know? Maybe I’ll learn to love the word again someday.
I guess it depends who is saying the word tribe! Then I could see why it’s like putting lipstick on a pig, haha!
I stepped outside the crowd when I left art school and started taking computer programming. It was a tough call but I’m happy I made it.
oH I’ve always been known to be ..how do I put it? opinionated I guess…I generally don’t put up with b.s. And I am not afraid to stand up for my rights (or my kids) so last yr when my mom twisted something that I said to her, and hurt my daughters feelings, I cut ties with her for a bit. We’re not that close as we had been (Im the eldest) but she now knows the limits she has about spreading rumors.
I stepped away from “the tribe” when their lifestyle no longer matched my values and beliefs.
A few years ago I stepped away from a few family members (clan,tribe ) , after years of a toxic relationship. Best thing I could have done. it was hard & heartbreaking at some points but the end results are worth it! Loving everyday since!
I am not a flock/tribe person at the best of time, so stepping away is my norm! I think women are still brought up to be competitive against one another and not in a good, strong way, but a beauty way.
I see the definition of a tribe as a group of people who are willing to scalp you if you are no benefit to them or are not part of THEIR tribe. A group of people who are self-governed – usually by a person who has delusions of grandeur or is an egomaniac, who has coerced those they ‘rule’ to do their bidding for them. And I’m pretty sure putting lipstick on a pig may make them look super-cute – especially if they are sponsored by the makeup company – but that’s totally insulting to pigs. I’d say more about cliques but I’m reigning myself in here ladies.
I was in grade 10 and hated school, I had a full time job opportunity so I took it, and quit school, but I also left all my friends behind, but it was a good choice because I was what you would say in the bad crowd!
Many moons ago, i stepped away from the cliques and befriended a boy who was being ostracized
growing up i didn’t follow the clothing styles that were popular, i did my own thing and wore what i wanted to wear (i.e. two different earrings or socks, haha!)
I stepped away from a toxic friendship – even though this person had been a close friend for around 15 years! It was draining emotionally and for the best!
I stepped away from my family when my I announced I was getting married and they didn’t agree with my choice. I told them it was right for me and if they didn’t agree it was their problem not mine. Now 16 years later all is well in the family 🙂
I was raised in a very religious family with strict rules I did not always agree with. I stepped away after many years of being unhappy with people unfairly judging others. I lost friends but found who my true friends were because they supported me in my decision and realized I just did not fit into the mold.
I left high school and struck out on my own in a university far away from my home. I tended to choose my way depending on my educational goals.
I stepped away from a family member because they became toxic..hardest thing I had to do but my life needs positive not someone always gripping
I did this when I made the decision to returned to school.
I have very recently done just this with a very close friend as the friendship became quite toxic and I needed the break.
That’s pretty much my life, stepping away from the pack. I never fit into the cliques in school..stayed away from a lot of heartache i think that way as well.
I also went and started my own business despite family thinking it wasn’t the best idea at the time. This will now be my 10th year in business.
I went to work on a cruIseline, friends told me I wouldn’t lat tge first contract , I stayed 6 years
I shied away from doing what all the moms were doing in my moms group – bottle feeding worked for me!
I stepped away from what my parents expected me to pick as my occupation. My father, sister and cousins are all in the same line of work and I was expected to follow. Instead I went with what I wanted to do and never looked back.
This is a long time ago but when I switched to a new school when i was in grade 9 and I only knew one person in my grade at the new school. She was part of the popular crowd so she pulled me in with her. I was accepted just fine but then I saw how the ‘uncool’ kids were having a lot more fun and broke away from the cool kids who thought sitting on a bench throwing pennies at 7th graders was the best way to spend lunch breaks!
Nothing really stands out. I’m not a “the flock, the tribe, the clique” kind of person. I’ve always done my own thing, and I’ve always followed my own gut instincts, and used my own judgement.
I’ve stepped away from a lot of people all throughout my life because I felt they just weren’t a fit for me or were too negative.
My biggest is when I stepped outside of my family and became the black sheep. I wasn’t going to go down the path of abuse and addiction just to fit in.
i do that almost daily – I need to reflect and listen to my inner voice always.
About 6 years ago I stepped away from the majority of my family- mainly my brothers, after my father passed my brothers were getting unreal to deal with, with me being the youngest in the family I guess they figured I had to listen to them, I decided to move far away from them, cut my ties with them also and to live my own life. Life is so much simpler and stress free now, I was always getting the blame when things did not go their way, I helped my father lots in his last few years and my brothers figured I was just out for money. I never asked my father for money when I helped him by cleaning his house, cooking him meals or just being there for him, he grew to lean on me more than my brothers as they would take forever to help him out, with me having mobility problems Dad was so grateful to me to help him the best I could. He would treat me to lunch once in a while for helping out but I told him I was happy to do this for him since he was always there for me.
I stepped away from my family (parents, siblings) because 98% of them were either drunk or on drugs and they were treating me like garbage. Time changed things but had I not taken that step away, my own anxieties would have ruined my own family life.
I’ve stepped away from a few unhealthy groups for this very reason. I’m thankful to have found some real and honest mom friends who support and encourage instead of make people feel “less than”
I stepped away from “the tribe” when i was a teen when they wanted to do things i was told all my life that was wrong….i walked away (with all the chicken words yelling) it took awhile but i made new friends and never thought about the olds one till im writing this now
In high School we were a group of girlfriend, there was 5 of us! I wouldn’t have call us a tribe though. We did lots together but sometime it would only be a couple of us. I never had to step away from the flock to use my own judgement.
Stepped away from abusive relationship, it was hard to do but the best thing I ever done for myself
I’ve had to end friendships because of people’s values not being in line with mine
I have stepped away from friends because things only worked if they were on their terms
I stepped away from the tribe when their negativity began impacting me.
I stepped away from a friendship that was going down the wrong path, she was doing things i didn’t approve of and was dragging me with her. I finally had to say enough was enough.
Sure- it has definitely happened. When my family called lower income children urchins and I explained that it wasn’t a nice term to use anymore. That didn’t work out well. Also, in high school, my friends started skipping classes and I didn’t fit in with them 🙂
I moved away from the town where I grew up because my step-father was a horrible person. I didn’t move far enough though and he continued to cause problems for me. So I quit my very good job and I put everything in storage and I moved to the Caribbean, where I didn’t have a phone and no way for anyone to contact me. I finally was able to relax and start to feel good about myself. When I moved back 5 years later I was a much stronger person and he could never cause problems for me again. A few years later he passed away. I know it’s horrible to say but I was glad he did.
I wear pyjamas out in public on my off days and feel no shame! They are clean and cozy!
I moved away from my family many years ago. It was the right decision for me but I know it was not approved of.
I walked away from friends once when they wanted to do something that I thought wasn’t to keen on
My life has always been the road less travelled.
The biggest step I ever made was move out of my parents house without visible reasons for doing so. I’m not big on social media, so have no idea about latest news and my friends in real life have always been interesting in there own way, not too many common craziness 🙂
Many many years ago, when I was working with a group of colleagues, on the weekend, for a special project, I noticed a ‘chemical’ smell. I informed the supervisor (a senior executive of the company). She was annoyed by my report of the smell (I don’t know why she was annoyed, except that she wanted the work to be completed, but her annoyed response set the tone for the group). For several minutes I wondered if anything was going to be done about it. Then, the smell became more evident and someone went to see what the source of it was. Apparently, weekend contractors were using gasoline to remove carpet glue, inside another part of the 2 story building. When I heard that, I told the supervisor that I thought we should evacuate the building. Standing at the front of the room, she rolled her eyes at me saying we only had a couple hours of work left. Right then, I collected my belongings and announced that I was leaving. Everyone looked intimidated and looked away and someone whispered a snide remark. But, one other co-worker stood up and said he was leaving too. He and I didn’t make a fuss, we just quietly left the building. Apparently, another group in the building had called the safety officer for the company and the others were ushered out about half an hour after we left. I think they were lucky that it wasn’t more serious than fumes, because as coincidence would have it, that very same weekend it was reported on our local news that a spark had ignited fumes and caused an explosion in a building under similar circumstances. What astonishes me is how the supervisor was able to sufficiently intimidate a room full of otherwise intelligent people to risk their safety to ‘fit-in’.
I was married before and my ex was both physically and mentally abusive. I stayed for 4 years and then finally had had enough and walked out leaving everything behind except my and our son’s clothes, his crib and my purse. Left the rest with the ex including furniture etc. Best move I ever made. Now happily married with two more sons.
I’ve stepped away from a few people in life who i felt were not good for me.
I walked away from the tribe which was management at my workplace. I gave my 2 weeks notice and left after they decided to keep an employee that was repeatedly abusive towards junior staff, including myself. They claimed they needed the senior person to work and train newbies and couldnt afford to let them go.
When my friends started smoking and I didn’t.
I have stepped away from people that made me feel uncomfortable even though I was the only one.
I stepped away from the flock when I decided to be a macanic . My parents knew I could do it but a lot of friends turned their noses up at it.
I stepped away when I joined the military in 1975
I can’t say I’ve ever been one to flock away form my friends as they’re all awesome. I have encouraged others to flock away though. To discourage use of drugs.
As I am reading this.. I have done this several times. As a teenager, I stepped away from my troubled life and tried a new adventure – I met my husband.. It was really hard to leave the friends, my boyfriend at the time.. but, I was only asking for trouble. I ended up attending college and obtaining a good job, got married and now have a beautiful family..
I have done this recently with family – I know many of my family members are bothered that I don’t socialize with them and I have my reasonings and I will remain distant as my choice.
I walked away from friends once when they were doing things I wasn’t comfortable with.
I have a child with special needs & I stepped away from an autism mom’s group I was part of because of pressure. Surprisingly, instead of compassion, there was an overwhelming amount of competition between the moms of who was spending the most money on treatments & therapies & special diets, and being judged if you weren’t doing all of them. I left that specific group and am doing what I feel is best for my son and he’s doing great (and I feel much better, too!)
I definitely am a free bird and not a follow the crowd type of person… this cliques really irk me in general so I agree with your viewpoint on the matter! Social media can really bring out the ugly in some people. I’d rather use it to connect with friends of all sorts
I just do my own thing. I decided at 25 to move to Toronto by myself with no family in Toronto. Looking back, it was a crazy decision!
stepped away from a job and went to college.
I walked away from a friend once when they wanted to do something that I thought was dangerous!!!
I stepped away from my old gang as a preteen and started hanging around with a new girl – we were co-founders and co-editors of the school newspaper.
I stepped away from a group of old friends on facebook because people were being so negative and catty that it became a chore to go on the site.
Anytime I felt peer pressure! And that was often.
I’ve been lucky with friends and family, haven’t had to step away. I even still get together with my high school buddies more than 30 years after we graduated. But a did once step away from a job offer when they laid me off. Went to another company and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
Sometimes I find that I’m still doing that. I still tend to rely on other people and I’m just starting to really step out. So while I don’t have a specific story the time is NOW.
I better understand the “Feisty” part of your name – don’t forget you are fabulous all on your own! 🙂 I moved countries to distance myself from crazy! And I try to stay out of trouble. Keep your head up, Tenille! 🙂
Thanks Jenn! Much appreciated. And moved countries?! Wow!
I have found since my mom passed my family has scattered as they are fighting over the estate. I have walked away from it as i am not curious of the craziness. I stay in touch but mostly concentrate on my own family now and i am happier for it!
There are a few girls in our group of friends who are caustic, I’ve started leaving the room/bar/party when they start being snarky & talking bad about other members of our group. Now other members of our group have started to follow me out & we continue our evening without the mean-girl crew!
After university, I decided to move to England by myself for a year, for travel and life experiences. One of the best things I’ve ever done for myself!
I can’t say that I ever remember being part of a clique or tribe. Going to 12 different schools in 10 years will do that to you. It’s not that I didn’t have friends but I never let them get that ‘close’ because who knew how long I’d be able to see or have them. In the early grades it didn’t really matter that much because little kids make friends a lot faster but when you get to high school it takes longer to make friends especially in a smaller place where most of the kids have been together since grade school. I’m not complaining mind you I learned so much more travelling than not. But I’ve always had a mind of my own as long as I can remember..
I once walked away from my friends when I didn’t want to get in a car of a driver who had been drinking.
As a teen, I stepped away from a group that was passing around a joint at a party. I felt lame about it and would have been much cooler to just join in but I really wasn’t interested and scared of the effect it would have on me.
A couple of years ago we moved to a new town and I changed jobs. It was a big upheaval but so glad I did it.
One time I stepped away and made my own choice was to quit a secure job of 18 years to go back to school and start a new career
I have stepped away from ‘the tribe’ all my life; it’s good to be the black sheep!
I made the decision during senior of high school to step away from my group of friends. They were into partying and all that stuff, but I wasn’t. I wanted to focus on school and to get into a good university. I am glad that I did step away from them when I did because getting good grades didn’t come easy at our school.
I stepped away from a date one time when I felt uncomfortable with him and his friends. Learned to trust my instincts.
I have distanced myself from people who are way too full of themselves on social media. You know the ones who try and convince you their lives are perfecto in photos … but they’re not fooling anyone?
Yeah my mental health is more important sorry!
Once, years ago I had to set mindful boundaries with a dear family member over the phone,,,it wasn’t popular to do that…I had to tell her that if her behavior continued then I would need to leave the phone call. In hindsight it was the correct action to take…
I walked away from a job opp realizing that the company’s views were in conflict with my own. Thank you for sharing this post.
I stepped away from a group of friends that were laughing at a
transport truck that drove by us.His chains had come of the load
on one side and the chain was swinging wildly about on the road.
I ran for my car and drove like a maniac to get him stopped. I kept
flashing my lights and putting on my blinkers .Finally he saw me
and I motioned for him to pull over.He was so thankful and almost
wept with joy.That chain could have whipped a walking pedestrian
or another vehicle if it kept going.He made me feel grateful that I
had made him aware of this.
I walked away from friends once in my 20’s. They all wanted to take ecstasy. I was terrified. Best decision made for sure!
When I met my husband and he lived across the world, I didn’t care what anyone thought and I went for it…with no regrets!
I stepped away, and was sort of shunned away, from my flock when my son was born. He was born with down syndrome and required lots of care and still does to this day. Unfortunately, people get tired of hearing “sorry, I can’t” because I put my priorities first. Some people can’t handle overwhelming situations and tend to speak behind your back, or give ‘the looks’ and I tend to just avoid people who are like that as I don’t need any more negative in my life. I am trying to be as positive as I can 🙂
My friends can get into some very controversial topics. Sometimes it’s best to step away because I know an argument will take place.
I stepped away from most of my family a few years ago and I have not reconnected with them. I always wanted to get together, have our children grow up together but it just never seemed to work out due to different life/parenting styles and I am a huuuuge into being honest and truthful and dont like lies so I stepped away from my family and have been happier since. 😀
The first time I really remember (deeply) was in 5th Grade when a group (clique) of girls who had been my friends and neighbors since nursery school (my PEER group) and a new girl had joined our school and she was by our narrow (and mostly homogeneous) standards (and experience) different and slightly “deformed” and therefore alien and “ugly.”
My clique decided she was an outcast (and untouchable really) and became very unkind to her and at first I felt torn between my loyalty to my friends (as well as powerful peer pressure) and my natural / innate repulsion at the sight of cruelty and pain.
I’d like to say I heroically leapt in to defend and befriend this frightened and lonely young girl but it took me about a week of soul searching and finally talking to my parent before I found the courage to stand up to my “friends” and risk their scorn and rejection. But when I finally did, I experience new feelings I’d never felt before: it was liberating, confidence raising and frankly a learning experience that has served me well for all my years since: I made a new friend ~ actually a number of new friends, my world got bigger and I discovered new aspects of myself. My world grew and when you “step outside of your tribe” your world will never stop growing.
I frequently go against the grain and against popular opinion