I’ve become aware that I have some negative perceptions of myself. We all do sometimes, I know. As loud as I can be on some topics, unphased by negative comments, the ridiculous thing is that – I have a hard time taking a compliment! It’s true! I can brush off a negative tweet or remark (after seven years of blogging it’s really no big deal, honest!) but if a new friend compliments me on my work, says they catch me on the radio when I’m on, or mentions something I shared on TV (all really cool aspects of what I do and things I’m proud of), I immediately wonder, “Are they being sarcastic? Why did they say that?”
I’m a bonehead.
Some of my closest friends have been let in on my secret, and now all the rest of my closest friends here (that would be you!) know as well. I’ve been trying to figure out what’s at the root of it, and wouldn’t you know – Betty Ann Heggie had a recent blog post that brought it all home to me.
In Get Ready to Grab the Ring Betty Ann explores why young women seem to lack confidence on the job, and how we can embrace that confidence, our achievements, and run with it to become leaders.
Each of us, male or female, form our identity using a combination of who we are inside and what the outside world feeds back to us. It’s the latter that creates a problem for ambitious women. When people around us make it clear they don’t see our gender as leaders, through actions or lack of action, it is more difficult for us to believe it as well. – Betty Ann Heggie
So what can we do about this lack of confidence, or second guessing? Betty Ann suggests cultivating relationships with other sources that will see you as a leader, or in my case will help build my skills and confidence. If you can forge those relationships and define yourself as a leader, then you can base your self-confidence and worth in those engagements, not in the ones that tend to make you stay quiet and not grab the ring, as the case may be.
I like this approach. We all know our strengths, and we need to listen to those around us who recognize them (and in my case, stop questioning their motives and accept a compliment!) Create your circle filled with people who lift you up, inspire you and motivate you to do better. Having confident people to build with and grow with will make you personally stronger going into a lions den (or board meeting) with those people, those voices, inside your head instead of the negative ones you’ve placed there in the past.
I encourage you to read Betty Ann’s post and then comment below sharing your thoughts on this post and a time when you pushed aside your negative thoughts and went for it – grabbed the ring! You’ll be entered to win $100 PayPal to put towards building those positive networks, your cheerleaders, and growing together.
Gosh I can really relate to this post and the article. I sometimes find myself questioning my confidence at work. I thought I was pretty darn confident until I joined a big corporate office. What I anticipated and what I experienced were two totally different things. I’ve encountered “the glass ceiling”, “the boys club”, etc. I worked hard to develop and progress, and although I fit the qualifications of a promotional requirement, I lost out to a male colleague who was only with the company less than a year….I was entering my 5th year with the company. That was my first encounter with seeing how the good ole boys club operated.
While it led to my reluctance to continue with the company and impacted my confidence, I hung in there and tried not to let it eat me up.
There’s a certain cynicism and hypocrisy in the corporate world that truly exudes questionable integrity.
I didn’t let that stop me from trying for other opportunities, but it certainly gave me a taste of corporate poison that lies in the underbelly of some companies.
Finally I grabbed the bull by the horns and took a chance at another career that proved fruitful. Best decision I ever made.
I couldn’t agree more with Betty Ann.
I am sad that women are not taking opportunities in the business world, surely we do not doubt ourselves when we become mothers, we are ferocious defenders of our children’s rights and push them to succeed, I wonder what it takes to quiet that inner dissenting voice in the job zone and step up?
I do it all the time.
I’m a believer that a person’s mind is a powerful thing and I also believe in the power of positive thinking.
The post was very interesting as I realized there is a bias at work when women’s ideas (which can be the exact same as a man’s) is dismissed. We have to fight harder for what we want it seems.
A time when I pushed aside my negative thoughts was when I agreed to teach a Sunday School class. I don’t consider myself a leader but this volunteer position required that I take a leadership role. 3 years later, I’m still enjoying this position!
I was fortunate enough to stay home with my children for 12 years, knowing that I left behind a solid career with room for advancement and benefits with a pension to boot! This was a turning point in my life, one without regret but always that question, “What if..”. I did go back to work when my final conquest #5 was in grade 1. Everything had changed and I quickly found out that I had to start at the bottom of the ladder because of my 12 year “absence”. Only one company recognized what I had gained in those 12 years: multi-tasking (it goes without saying), administrative and leadership skills, after over 10 years volunteering in school and as a Girl Guide leader, and thriving in stressful situations, just to name a few. It was a hard sell and it still is.
I guess I want to let Mom’s know that being a mom and thriving in the business world can certainly work for you with perseverance and a very supportive family. Case in point are mom’s like Tenille whom I admire for their no nonsense and straight forward approach. I can’t tell you how many times I reworked my resume to reflect what I had learned and skills I had gained in my 12 year absence from the workforce!
I can’t say I have grabbed the ring, or have I and I just haven’t embraced it? Thanks for a great read Tenille and Betty. 🙂
I also believe in the power of positive things
My brass ring is a little different, it has nothing to do with careers or men in the workplace like Betty Ann’s post. I applaud how she quietly worked hard & then surprised everyone with her knowledge & leadership abilities. 8 years ago my child was diagnosed with autism & there were a lot of negative thoughts with where that path would take me. Friends & family didn’t believe I could get through it, even my own husband at the time had little faith. All that negativity forced me to gain confidence, to learn everything I could, & push away all the bad to replace it with good. There were many strugges.. and like the blog post says, “Women have to work harder to gain leadership credibility,” I worked hard & gained credibility, where now people trust my skills & know I continue to succeed in this more every day.
I feel i am going for the brass ring for a second time..I was very entrepreneuring from an early age, I knew i loved being a ‘boss’ in the sense of having my own business. At age 6 I ‘borrowed’ my mom’s flowers and set up a stand and sold them..I pretended I had a store..lemonade stands..baking stands.. there were many more projects I dreamed up as a child but…then just after graduating my parent recognizing my ‘dream’ bought a business and I ran it at age 17/18, over the course of a few years I ran 2 different business. Then the opportunity came up I could run my own business not one my parent s owned. My Brass ring in my mind,. Still being young, early 20’s i began to realize I wasn’t recognized as the owner (leader) of my business by banks,suppliers ect..all men. They seriously thought I was too young and that some man was behind me..a father or husband. At this point there was just me and my drive and dream . I proved all f them wrong and had a very successful business and was happy. Then life took a turn and health problems happened and I took a different direction. I had to concentrate on my health. Then met my husband and had my kids later in life. Now as they are growing up and more independent I am planning on going to classes and go for my second dream/ Brass ring I feel happy and content knowing I reached a dream/brass ring already and ready to grab it again!
NOt related to work, but I was very unsure of my ‘ability’ to travel alone to another country – I was very very afraid of the ‘what if” and wondered if I could hack it – I threw caution to the wind and booked a flight! It was the best experience of my life 🙂
I put myself forward for a promotion eventhough I wasn’t the most confident in my abilities in comparison to the other candidates and was successful.
I think knowing who we are on the inside is key, and not worrying about what others think on the outside. I think pushing aside negative thoughts is a daily process and learning to do it in the small things helps when bigger issues arise. I have chosen to stand up and advocate at work for what I think is right, not worrying about what others think .
I worked part time for the same company for many years while my children were in school. I wanted to go into a management position but it was a guys company and guys were managers and women were clerks and secretaries and that was that. I saw many managers come and go and when they left I was asked to take over for a month or two until they found someone suitable for the position. I did a good job of taking care of things each time but didn’t feel confident enough to ask for the job for myself. One day I just got a dose of courage and asked for the job and told the owners they could put me on a three month trial to prove I could handle it. Well, it paid off and that 3 months turned into more than twelve years in management until I retired. I wish I would have had that courage years before. That decision was a life changer. As women we do need to help and encourage each other to have the courage to open doors to better things until the day when we truly are seen as equals in business to all men.
Excellent post, there were many times the negative thoughts and the I can’t do its creeped into my head when I was thinking about opening my own business, but eventually I just said, YES I CAN, and here I am 6 years later still in business.
Lately i am going out of my comfort zone and trying things i normally wouldn’t.
I also believe in the power of positive thinking and looking at the positive not the negative things in life
Very true to home article for me. I also try to make sure to instill this in both my girls – I want them to grow up positive and confident!
For me it was a bit different than being in the workplace. I wanted to go to hairdressing school. Something I wanted all my life and finally I was able to do just that. There were only two of us there one day, we had only been there for one week and the other girls were graduating so there was nobody to do hair. Well two ladies came in and wanted their hair cut and styled. The teacher, Lise, told us to do it. I panicked and said I don’t think I can do it without you watching to be sure it is correct. She said, I have watched you both for one week and I know you can do it. Well with my heart in my throat, and the other girl the same, we attended to our customers. They were so pleased with how their hair turned out that they kept asking for us every time they came in. I think thanks to these ladies, it helped build our confidence up enough that we knew we would be okay. We both graduated with high marks and have been doing hair ever since. It was quite an experience but taught me a lot.
I was offered a job promotion recently and I went for it. I didn’t think I could do the job, tangled in so many self doubts, but I knew that I could at least try.
Pushing negativity out of the way to reach your goal can be challenging. There are many times when you have to push through doubts, negativity and everything to achieve what you want. My recent job promotion is a big one for me.
I applied for a challenging job where I knew there would be a ton of competition and a lengthy, stressful interview process. I ignored the voice in my head that said not to bother and chose to believe in myself.
i try my best to not be around negativity, it drains me and causes my health issues to get worse. there are times I have finally spoke up and said i can’t do this to the other person involved
I was not confident of applying for a leadership position, but thought I need to at least apply and learn if I had the qualification. To my surprise and delight I was choosen for the position.
my husband is a negative person and if anything i help him to see the positive in everything as I have learned from my parents who throughout my life would always look on the positive side of everything. I swear my husband would drive himself crazy if it wasn’t for me and looking at everything in a different, uplifting light
No doubt things are hard but with work and dedication and creativity anything can be done.Positive thinking has changed things for me and can for anyone.
I enjoyed reading the post, very interesting. I totally believe in the power of positive thinking and sometimes we just have to forget the negative things in life.
I agree with Betty-Ann and Tenille on this one 100%. I honestly feel that this is almost a daily struggle. I struggle with confidence all the time even though most people wouldn’t guess that I do. I can definitely say that being more careful with who I surround myself with has helped. However, it doesn’t necessarily have to be someone in the workplace that can leave you feeling inadequate. It can be those close friends or even family. This becomes more tricky. As I have evolved I have had to remove myself from some social circles after asking myself if these are types of people I want in my life. Are they lifting me up vs. knocking me down. I truly believe that being aware of this is the first step. The next step, which can be the most difficult is actually making the change. Also, be the friend that you need to others. As long as it’s sincere it will help everyone.
very interesting post
i think women are veiwed differently because it is thought they will have a family and then be gone for up to a year, really sucks, but that’s why men i think men don’t do parental leave in general, they don’t want to mess up their career. i will grab the ring when i go back to school to get my degree because i realize if i want it i have to just do it
I agree with this article, I find myself to be held back and quiet in situations that are more male dominated, we need to step up and be confident in ourselves!
I loved this article, agreed with a lot of stuff that was said. We have to be more assertive sometimes or people will walk all over you
Great topic – I really recognize myself in that sometimes I don’t speak up at meetings or make suggestions at work. I am trying to be more confident in my ideas and share them with others!
Her post was a great read for me , especially right now. I have been considering a job move and after working with the same company for so long, realizing I finally deserve more and should be with an employer who recognizes and appreciates my hard work. Reading this gave me more confidence in my decision and put some things in my head to think about.
I found myself in a similar situation where I had gotten offered the job that I wanted but my lack of confidence and fears came up and I ended up not accepting.
This comes up in many situations for me. I really need to work on my confidence.
Ohh I had read the comment post wrong.
It really is tough to think of a situation where I pushed my negative thoughts aside and grabbed the ring. I’ve always let my thoughts and fear get the best of me. I suppose one time would be when I went I took on a job while in college that I wasn’t sure if I had the smarts to do.
Someone asked me to consider my own business. I initially said no, but reconsidered and said yes. And I did!
a few years ago when I worked in a call centre I was offered a supervisory position, I declined it as I felt I was not capable of it but I think it was just eh fear of over seeing other people
Great post, I also lack the confidence until my husband said that I would be amazing at it…I was reluctant and fear crept in but in the and I was happy to have done it
i find i use these new ‘grabbing the ring’ skills in my life when companies treat my family unfairly. This was previously not my personality at all. Not so much as a gender issue, but moreso a frail, weak personality trait of mine. In my 30’s, I have aimed and succeeded in being louder and more assertive when need be. I have found the results are immediate and positive. I get charged fair prices, and I am not ignored. It’s just a way of life we (especially as women) need to adopt.
I’m a negative nelly, I haven’t been able to break through yet.
It’s felt so weird to read your story! I can’t imagine a woman as successful as you would have insecurities let alone ones steaming from a compliment. I feel like I too always look deeper into a compliment then what it really is! I grabbed the ring on Motherhood. Weird right? But it’s true! I was always scared to carry a baby and become a mother. Was I good enough, was I strong enough, was I mature enough? I can’t tell you how happy I was to push aside all my negative and insecure thoughts and just go for it! Motherhood has been the best thing that has ever happened to me and it’s given me the courage to know that I can do anything! Amazing share! Thank you!
Sounds simple to a lot of people, but it wasn’t for me. My Mom raised us on cheap frozen food because being a single mom it’s all she could afford so I learned to only like that. I never liked veggies or anything really “good” for me. My husband likes everything though, so it was really hard to train myself to like foods that are better for me, but now that I have I’m so happy I did. If I can do it, you can do it too!
I used to be timid & not very self confident but one year I took an assertiveness course with several women. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. Negative thinking can keep you from trying anything and you eventually miss out on a lot of opportunities in life.
As I read this post I thought about how when I was younger I took more of a leadership role at work. It made me realize my that I do have some insecurities in the work force, that I sometimes let the younger employees take the lead. unfortunately I can’t think of a time where I grabbed the ring. something to think about when I return to work in Sept.
It is a tough world in which to be a woman at times! Our society still lags beyond when it comes to woman and being equal to men in the workplace. When i was a supervisor at manufacturing plant i came up against these stereotypes on a daily basis sometimes. I had to work very hard to have my voice heard over my male counterparts.
I have never been good at playing the game of office politics and have always been extremely shy and fearful about going after promotions and leadership roles. I thought that I had chosen a career where these politics didn’t play such a role. Boy, was I wrong…!
I was not happy at my previous workplace and after a few months of debating, I finally took the leap and quit. So happy that I did!
My wife would love this
I have definitely had a problem with assertiveness for as long as I remember. I am learning to express myself in personal relationships, but still struggle with it at work.
I have problems with anxiety. I work everyday with expressing myself and turning the negative thoughts into positives.
That was a great post. I remember always feeling negative about my opinions or whatnot so I never spoke up in class or in meetings at work. This led to people thinking I’m not smart or not engaged in the discussion. I couldn’t take the thought of them thinking of me that way so I worked up my courage to finally speak up at meetings and now, I don’t hesitate on giving my opinion when asked.
I surround myself with great people, and those that are ‘toxic’ I quickly wean out. I have huge confidence, more comes with age lol, and I’ve instilled that in my daughters. If you want something, go get it! You gotta work hard if you want to get ahead, and never settle!
The post definitely got me thinking about when I was in school. One biggest moment was graduating high school and not applying to university because I always thought I’d do horribly and that it wouldn’t be for “me”. But after a year wasted, I decided to take the plunge and I am so happuu I did.
I absolutely believe in a power of positive thinking, it always works for me
I have a hard time leaving my comfort zone sometimes. But with the right person by my side for support, I have been venturing out a little more lately.
I do try to be positive but sometimes when one is lost in self-doubt and negative feelings it can be a lesson when you recall that time and then develop strategies to avoid it and move on.
The mind is a powerful thing. It can motivate but also hinder. I remember helping a friend in highschool with her negative self image. She kept doubting her abilities to reach higher, a C+ was just fine, that’s what she expected of herself. Honor roll, that’s for smart people, not herself. It took a lot of encouragement and pointing out all the smart, capable things she does day to day before she started seeing herself in a different light. And when she got past the negativity and stopped giving up before even trying, she achieved what she didn’t think she could before- got into honor roll, good university, etc. I always remember that even a decade later. Sometimes the person holding you back the most is you.
what a great article. I haven’t gone for the brass ring quite yet but this might just help to give me the push that I need!
I’m always self conscious about what people will say or do when I act or say something. certain people have heightened my anxiety level. it’s also hard for me to accept compliments and I also think they are being sarcastic. i decided that i won’t be able to please everyone but I take pride in my work and i work very hard. after a few months, my unit recognized my work and I received an award. in the end you are your worst enemy. you just need to keep those thoughts far from your mind and be positive
great post! I need work on positive thinking, I had a job offer which I turned down because I didnt think I had the confidence to do it.
I find this so frustrating. It’s not the giant overt obvious sexist moves that are the real problem out there, it’s the micro aggressions like described in the post, the culturally accepted biases that face women in mundane every day situations. Kudos to Betty-Ann for diving into the subject matter and making suggestions for overcoming these situations. I personally am a really assertive person and very rarely find myself too negative or nervous to “grab the ring.” If anything I’m more likely to do the opposite, take a job I KNOW I’m not qualified for that I talked myself into and then fail horribly when I get there.
I feel that it’s getting easier as I get older. not only have I felt the challenges being a woman at work, but also being a young woman. but it is important to remain focused and confident.
This is a great article and I agree with betty Ann. I also believe in the power of a positive mind.
this is actually something I am striving for on a daily basis. I struggle with anxiety and low self confidence thanks to some issues from my past… but I am making a really conscious effort lately to just go for it anyways – whether the “it” is something small or large. it’s a daily goal for me now! Great timing with this post 🙂
My mother has raised me with the knowledge that we’re all equal. She also taught me how women have struggled a very long time to prove that very point. I don’t have a good example for myself…but I have a great one about my mom. When she applied to become a potato farmer, the employer laughed and said, “Women can’t handle a job like this”. Instead of walking away, my mom demanded to let her prove herself in one day. Of coarse they were shocked because she was the best potato farmer they ever hired. She worked there 8 years before finding a job with benefits. They still ask for her to return.
I believe in being positive it sure gets you further in life !
I used to be so shy and not confident at all at work. What helped me is I started to run. It made me feel stronger, like I could do anything because I was so good at it. It made me more confident at my job because I felt better about myself. 🙂
I have worked very hard over the years to not be so shy. Even though it is hard for me, I feel many more doors have opened and I have become a more confident person.
I’m a little old er than some and I have to say that that can make a real difference! Until I was in my forties my confidence in business/work related situations was pretty non-existent. But over time I began to trust myself ~ AND to stand up for myself~ and both are real confidence builders. I have to add that having a sense of humor and projecting a genuine sense of warmth Can go a long way too.
Heaven knows, it is so much harder for a women than it is for most men ~ but once you can stop second guessing yourself and begin to trust your own self worth, it get easier every day…REALLY!
I had a very large workload, but volunteered to take on a new project that nobody had any experience. I did a really good job, and when there was a celebration dinner, imagine my surprise when I was seated at the table next to the head honcho.
A few years ago a job came up that I really wanted but I was afraid I would fail and if I did get the job I would be petrified as it meant going to work with a load of new people. But I pushed it aside and did it, I got the job and 5 years later I don’t regret it at all!
I admit I know how to step up to the plate. I can talk the talk, and walk the walk. You have to be confident to get ahead.
I wish I had more confidence in myself! I know positive thinking is the key, but my though always get the best of me. I had a job interview last week and it went very well until they ask, what would your co-worker would say about you, and I struggle with the answer. I said I don’t know. When the answer should have been I’m punctual, reliable, dependable, a teem player. I am all these things, but it’s hard for me to say it. I will be better prepare for the next interview!
i can’t get past the negativity, everything is going wrong lately
ohh the cycle of negativity…we must learn to embrace the unknown. and go forward…be bold
one time many years ago i was dumped by someone i was in to, right at the same time i had an exam to write. i had to push through and focus on the long term and happily passed
Every day is a new chance to find the positiveness! I try to embrace it each day.
I had to take and pass an intense, physical course to continue you in my career path. 240 hrs of training later I passed easily and far exceeded what I thought I could accomplish.
For a long time, I was one to sit back quietly and let things pass me by, because I didn’t think my opinions, thoughts, or advice were good enough. So I kept that all to myself. I will admit, that I found out that my opinions, etc…are just as good as others, and can be helpful….but at times, I still have the fear that I am going to say something silly, especially if I’m in a room that is mostly men.