Once again, Betty Ann Heggie has given me so much food for thought, I may have to put myself on a diet! Here’s why.
This month, her blog post started with Betty Ann sharing her experience on the reality TV series “Who Lives Here?” If you’ve seen it, you know that a group of contestants tour each other’s homes and then try and guess which person lives in which home for a prize. Through her experience (she didn’t win), Betty Ann learned how her own perceptions influenced her ideas, and in other facets of life – her relationships.
I learned how restricting limiting stories can be, how valuable it is to let them go, and how expansive the world can be without them. Each day, I now consciously replace all my crummy stories with positive versions. This frees my senses to send evidence so I will see it, believe it, and create it. As a result, I feel better, worry less, and accomplishments come more readily.
For example, there is a woman in my life that I really admire, but our relationship is strained. I have created a new story that says even though things are currently in flux between us, our relationship is built on a firm foundation, and there are many good times ahead. Thus, my brain is presented with a kind of updated street map, a vital process in seeing old stories anew, which makes me confident our relationship will once again be fortified going forward.
– Betty Ann Heggie
I love this. Especially when dealing with conflict in relationships, it can be hard to get back to a place where we move forward, from GO, because of past events.
Changing our world is as simple as changing our story, changing the way we make sense of our relationships and ourselves.
Can you think of a time when your perception of a relationship kept you from moving forward? Perhaps what you thought someone thought of you, or the relationship being in a bad spot and unable to move forward because of the label you’ve put on it? That’s the question we’re putting forward in this month’s contest. Maybe you have a positive story how you overcame that relationship-perception too!
We want to hear how your perception of a relationship has influenced you, good or bad. And, for one of our readers, reward you with $100 PayPal to focus on that (or another) relationship! Amazing, right? To enter, just enter your name and email address below to get started!
Just recently, actually. My good friend saw me lose it and yell at my son at the aquarium. She then got sick and we didn’t see each other for 3 weeks… it felt like every time I tried to get together with her she’d beg off with illness or another excuse. I started to feel like she was judging me and thinking I was a bad parent and no longer wanted to spend time with me. It felt really awful and I gave up making plans with her…then she invited me to lunch, I went, and we had a wonderful day. It’s clear that everything was just in my head, and I need to not leap to conclusions so easily!
Yes many years ago being in a relationship that wasn’t very positive, quite toxic, one day I decided to face reality and said enough, the best thing I ever did for myself
my first breakup
A relationship with a family member is strained because of things that this individual has done to my brother. She has hurt me and my family and I’m letting that prevent me from moving forward but in reality all I am doing is giving her the power and control by letting this situation pull me down.
at work it is hard to know who to trust sometimes but this difficulty trusting holds me back from moving forward in my job
About 8 years ago, I started hanging out with a guy from high school. He was cute, kind and said all the right things. We started developing a relationship…until he met my sister. I suppose he thought he could play us both, but the relationship I have with my sister is way to strong for that. I set aside the hurt and we both told him where to go.
that first breakup can be quite painful and debilitating
Those teen years should not have been spent in just one serious relationship!
My first relationship really affect my other relationship afterwards. I created doubt in me and trust issues. Until I was ready to overcome it and deal with those issues with my first love head on, then I was truly ready to move forward. I am glad I did. I ended up meeting the person I would marry and spend the rest of my life with. If I didn’t deal with my past first, I could have lost the love of my life.
My first marriage was a good one to begin with but after 4 years, it just didn’t work out. I had a two year old son and was afraid to leave and be on my own but the day came when I knew I had to move on and I did. Seven years later I married again and its been a marriage of 38 years this May.
I had a toxic relationship with a friend for years who could be an amazing person but was also very manipulative and destructive to others; I finally realized that walking on egg shells around a person was no way to live and definitely not the sign of a true friend
I think that many of the relationships I had in my late adolescence and early adulthood with friends, significant others, and family members were quite limiting and sometimes harmful, and fear really prevented me from letting go.
Late high school relationship. It wasnt toxic but after I had graduated, I went off to college, and he was deployed to Afganistan. We had always had a long distance relationship & made it work. But there was tonnes of tension between his mom and me as he wanted to put me first instead of his own family when it came to phone calls, and when he came home for 2 weeks holiday he spent tge first week with just me and didnt see his family til the second week. He had proposed before he had even left for his tour and all this wedding planning made his mom even more crazy. He only had two months left of his tour when he stepped on an bomb and lost a leg. The Canadian Forces sent me and his parents to Germany because they didnt know if he would make it.
He did though. And I am so thankful for that.
But weeks after I was walking on egg shells with his mom. The CF had set us up in a house that I shared with his family while he was in the hospital. After we had gotten back from Germany, my parents suggested I leave my course at college. (I only had a few month left and college was in Calgary, but he was in Edmonton) so i did. He was going to be my husband soon enough, and I needed to be eith him and would need to help him on this new journey.
But his mom started in on me. Questioning my intentions with her son. She was working her way to end our relationship. I had left for a weekend to visit my family and when I came back, it was like she filled his head, because he became distant and mean towards me. He began accusing me of things I had never said or done, and finally he wanrted us to end.
So we did.
But only days after he got out of the hospital and started walking with a prosetic, he contacted me, and we secretly seen each other and spent weekends together. This went on and off for half a year til I finalky had enough. Then I met my husband. Funny how life works.
But in summery Im glad I finally got out of that toxic relationship.
there have been times with friends where things are left unsaid and the perception (mine or theirs) of what the other person was thinking built a wall between us. had to break down that wall by talking honestly about our feelings in order to rebuild the friendship. it is possible, if both people have open hearts!
I put up with a very toxic relationship for years because I thought I just needed to accept it but I didnt, and I dont, no matter the person. Since I cut this toxic person out of my life I feel 100% better and I don’t need the toxicity
As a teen I think our perception of relationships is always skewed.
Thank goodness we move on from there
I felt that a boyfriend was pulling back from the relationship and assumed that meant he wasn’t ready to get serious, so I broke it off. Looking at it now, I think perhaps he was just stepping back to see how strongly he felt about the relationship. If I’d asked him how he felt instead of assuming I knew, I may have found that he was ready to move forward with the relationship, rather than end it.
Hmm. This is a tough question to answer. Relationships certainly teach us a lot! I remember in university tying to make friends. As an introvert, it is not always easy to get to know people. I am always worried people think less of me. I remember finally moving forward with some friendships and it is a won derful feeling to know I was accepted 🙂
It is hard to learn to trust others after you have been hurt by somebody you loved. Hard, but not impossible!
My perception in all my relationships (friends, family, love) has been blinded by negativity and prevented me from moving forward with them. I just recently learned how positive thinking can help change my life, and I can start rebuilding relationships, and start moving forward in life. 🙂
When I broke up with a high school boyfriend, it took me a while to move on from it, but when I did, I felt so much better!
Thinking of past failures colours my attempts to move forward. I need to keep reminding myself to look forward and not rehash the past. God makes all things new in Christ.
I have an on the outs relationship with someone that married into the family. The wedding planning process brought to light their true personality and it has had a negative effect on many family members. It is now hard to have any cohesive family moments with the family member. Still not sure how everyone will get past this.
I once thought that one of my co-workers did not like or appreciate my work. I finally worked up the courage to have a chat with that person and turned out I was wrong and it all worked out in the end.
The divorce of my first marriage was bad and I started drinking heavy, I didn’t care about my work or my girls or myself, well as of today I am remarried, smoke free and alcohol free 5 years now and a grandmother to 3 precious girls, and it wasn’t my hubby that changed the way I was acting, it was the mini stroke that made me open my eyes and see the light!!
I had a friend a few years back that was having a really hard time financially and we tried to help her out where we could (buying her groceries etc) and I thought she was trying to get back on track and appreciated what we were doing. Turned out I was wrong and she was using us. We ended our help and put distance between us, and it really became clear because she stopped calling and moved on to “new friends” very quick.
My relationship with some extended family took some steps back and reassessment, and now it’s much healthier.
The breakup of me and my first love
My first marriage. I knew 10 years before it finally ended that I was in a bad marriage. We had both come from extremely bad parental households and found solace in each other and our shared experiences. Instead of receiving help in the form of counseling we got married at a very young age…of course thinking that we could do it better. By the third child it was more than obvious that we didn’t have the life tools to handle the problems we were both experiencing because of our upbringing. Thankfully we loved being parents but at the same time that love for our children contributed to us staying together 10 years longer than we should have. It ended very…very badly. What we had perceived to be good parenting by staying together for our children ended up hurting them in a very..very messy divorce. That being said…we did all survive and actually flourished…but it took some time.
I had a friend from middle school that I hadn’t seen in 20 years. We reconnected but I found the relationship very toxic. It was pulling energy from me. Lots of negativity and chaos. It was a courageous move for myself to break away from but yay ….. I did it. 🙂 I do wish her well though… and will always love her.
Relationships require so much give and take, that often one is not in the right time frame to provide it. I think that has affected me.
I was in a relationship that I so much wanted to work that I really wouldn’t let myself see how I was the only one working at it. Eventually I had no choice but to end it and look for something a lot better.
My father was very unfaithful to my mom so I never got close to men. I gated but never serious. It took much work and the right guy but it’s been wonderful. I’ve been married for years and have finally started talking to my father again.
Finally moving on from my first serious relationship.
I sometimes feel I have toxic relationships but more so that they don’t give me any energy back. BUT I also think that God places people in our lives for different reasons.
I am currently overcoming a toxic relationship I had and am slowly working to be a at a better place in the relationship
With my sister. we’re still working on it.
as a child I was so self conscious that I felt people were judging me or making fun of me when I wasn’t even on their radar!
Lots of years of recovery have taught me the value of “honesty, open-mindedness and willingness” to build a healthy relationship with myself as well as with family and friends. I learned a meditation technique many years ago similar to what Betty Ann talks about; when one issue arises that requires healing, the thoughts and feelings surrounding that issue are examined and “owned”. The final part was to “reframe” the way I perceived the situation or myself within that situation. I virtually built a frame of my own choosing to reinforce the freedom that comes from healing past issues. I have sometimes even purposefully built new frames in “real life” to add to the experience. When I see these frames it makes my heart happy because I am no longer locked into the “crummy story” as Betty Ann so aptly phrases it.
well my relationship lasted 16 years, and the past few years were constantly fighting, my ex has a drug problem and was very moody and I was usually the one who he took it out of (verbally) and finally one day he blew up about not being able to find his hat and I knew then enough of this already. I asked him to leave of course he had to start yelling but thank God my son was home so he left without any argument. It comes to a point no matter how hard you try or love someone, you can only tolerate so much fighting. Its been 8 years now and I enough everyday peacefully.
I was in a bad relationship as a young adult, and having my awesome mother around for guidance and advice made my perspective change, and I realized how much happier I could be on my own without all the toxic drama
In my first relationship where I was really into the guy. Everything was going so well but I feared commitment, and at the same time, feared that he would end the relationship so I ended it myself. My pride and fear ruined a perfectly good relationship.
I have always been the type to see the best in people and mostly overlook things.Recently with a neighbor, a lot of things they had been saying behind my back or being passive agressive about things they said to me. So I just ended talking to them. It isn’t worth it to me to be treated badly just because they are a neighbor
We all choose who we let in our lives. I use to make bad choices, but I have for a long time now, keep the negative people out and wipe my hands clean of them. It’s so refreshing. Life’s to short to waste on selfish people who only bring you down. Surround yourself with positive people who leave you smiling!
Actually, it’s now…things are not changing – so I am.
We can all read into things…there’s been a couple times when I read into something that wasn’t there. It was always much better to just talk with the person and figure things out, and save a whole lot of conflict. Relationships are so much better for it!
In high school when people were mean but I still hung around with them. It made me know that I would not make people feel like that
I was assaulted and had a breakdown. My closest friend ended up not only being unsupportive but also talked behind my back that I was not being truthful. I have forgiven her but walked away from the relationship.
I’ve been in a relationship where the guy I had been with had cheated in a previous relationship, so throughout the whole relationship with him (3 years) I had a lack of trust and an expectation that the same would happen in our relationship. It eventually led to us separating.
my oldest boys father, the relationship was done, and I was still young, we were together for 7.5 years, it was first love as well. but I did move out and move on.
When I was 18 I had a boyfriend, & since he was my first long-term relationship, I just wanted to feel that love.. but he became abusive & my perception was that he could change, we could get help & get through it. I just wanted to stick it out. I was so wrong, things never changed, but instead I sought help & was able to leave.
was in a relationship with someone I knew wasn’t right for me, finally ended it.
walked away from a bad relationship
As a young adult I had a hard time getting out of my own head space and seeing things in another persons perspective -I was very black and white -no grey (if you know what I mean?) it cost me a lot unfortunately. I have grown and changed so much since then but it was a hard growth curve.
My best friend and I fought years ago and it was because we never talked about our feelings and not wanting to hurt the other person.
In 2002 two I had to overcome a horrible relationship. I had to work overcome the mind games and everything else he had put me through. Makes me appreciate my better half even more.
I had to let go of an abusive parent and learn that I couldn’t fix that relationship. It was holding me in the past.
I think that my trust issues make it difficult to enter into relationships. This is still something that I’m working on!
My marriage as not what I thought
I was young and engaged to my very first boyfriend. I was one month away from our wedding. Little by little I could see marrying this guy was not right. I had paid for everything for the wedding. He wasn’t going to finish school (he said he was too sick to finish College). He hardly worked. Thank GOD I woke up before I married him. I called the wedding off one month before my wedding. I never regretting this decision. I’m so happy that I did! 🙂
My husband and I originally dated in high school/college. He broke up with me and I found myself unable to let go, so much so that I ended up in a deep depression. It took several years before I was able to move forward and it was only then that he came to me, we reconnected and ended up getting married. I only wished that I had had the strength to let go sooner.
By nature, I am easy-going/relaxed and am fiercely loyal to my family & friends…A trait that can at times be an Albatross. My inner circle is small – friends that have been through thick/thin with me and have remained steadfast, and for that I am grateful. Just recently an acquaintance has been calling, dropping by for coffee – busy Mom – so a welcome change. Everytime, a request “Can you watch my daughter for an hour” – I acquiesce…then Gee would be nice to have someone to talk to while I am packing up to move. Each time she contacted and called she wanted something, gut instinct of being used – “A Taker” personality. So I am pulling that WEED out of my garden and moving forward. Existing journey to include those in my life that are positive and inspire me.
Eva Mitton-Urban
I was trying to make friends with some of the moms of my kids’ friends at school and things were going pretty well. We’d meet weekly for coffee and it was lots of fun. Then there was an incident among the boys and a couple of the moms were really upset and it seemed like the whole fun get-togethers were going to fall apart. I didn’t know if some of the moms were even going to show up anymore because they were blaming other moms for their kids’ behaviours. Anyways, another mom and I decided that we liked it the way it was before and that we would keep up the weekly coffee dates despite hurt and angry feelings. We just didn’t talk much about what the kids were up to. We liked each other and decided that we still wanted to be friends and encouraged the others to keep coming. They eventually came and it is getting better and is almost back to where it was before. I would have really hated to not have it work out anymore and I’m glad that we kept trying to make a go of it!
Breaks ups with either bf’s or friends.
I have had wrongful perception of relationships for several years, where the more I get closer to a person, and their secrets come to light, the less I want to experience and share my life with them. Trust issues maybe? How come it works the other way around though? Shouldn’t knowing a person make you trust them more?
Even though my DD was not a year old, I realized that leaving my husband was the best thing I could do for myself and my girls.
Since my mom passed away 3 years ago all my sisters have been fighting with one another. I have learned to stay out of this mess as its not productive or healthy. I have a relationship with each one but on my terms as i am done with all the craziness!
I use to work with a very negative person, but I like her, she was very funny too. Her mood would go from being happy to being moody. She got laid off and she call me and send message on facebook. It was very negative and I just couldn’t deal with it. I block her on facebook.
My last breakup
I had a negative perception of the relationship I had with my Mother. It wasn’t until my first son was born that I was able to reevaluate and overcome my negative feelings. When good things happen move forward and let go so you can enjoy the moment! Best decision of my life! I couldn’t ask for a better Nana and I couldn’t be more thrilled how our relationship has grown and bonded through this experience!
The negative relationship I had with my ex best friend, best thing I did was to stop being her friend and moving on with my life
i had a friend who was very negative and she brought me down……i ended our friendship sine it was just too toxic to me
A relationship of mine ended, and then I started dating someone new a little while later, but kept assuming the worst about him because that’s how I was used to things being. Took a little while, but cut him some slack eventually lol.
Honestly, It still hurt me to think about it some 24 years later (though it would be more apropo say that I am still furious with myself for wasting so much time on and off for 20 years ~ starting my freshman year in college…) I won’t go into detail but I fell in love – or more like an obsession with a guy several years older than me treated me well, oh, maybe 25% of the time but this made me only want his love and approval all the more. Over the years he completely shattered my confidence and self-esteem my fault putting up with it!) and instead of kissing him off ~ I just kept trying harder and harder to please him, walked on eggs and apologized constantly for nothing.
He never hit me ~ but he was all around abusive aside from the mental cruelty, he ‘d get made for no reason (or something utterly inane) and do things like kick me out of the car in the middle of the night , in the middle of a storm, in the middle of nowhere or in a dark scary neighborhood. He was just plain cruel ~ and I finally came to realize he was truly a misogynist (hated his mother, blamed her for all of his father’s failures, had ambivilant (sick/unhealthy) ideas and feeling about sex/sexuality.)
Fast forward to my finally and suddenly saying I’ve had it]’ I had also been working at a company I had come to dislike viscerally (very unethic and unkind owners) ~ it was New Years Eve and after work I had a date with my long time tormentor ~ I decided to go for broke: Quit my job and cancelled date ~ and declared it my liberation day.
I started working freelance for myself, regained some semblance of self. SIx months later I was engaged to the love of my life and three months after that we were married. That was 24 years ago …
My best friend from my childhood became cruel when I had a boyfriend and she did not. She did things behind my back to hurt me like influence my friends not to hang out with me and even to go as far as to flirt with my boyfriend when we had a brief break-up. I stuck with her through thick and thin, she married and so did I, but one day her brother came to me and told me of things I was not aware of. He had a thing for me I believe at the time. It is interesting how life evolves and we learn to forgive, maybe not forget, but just how powerful the power of forgiveness truly is. Although we do not speak of those days way back when, I recently invited her to my daughter’s baby shower and she brought her 12 year old twin daughter. We had a lovely party and it felt a though we were still those smart a** 12 year olds at a party together, giggling and bringing back only good memories of friendship, family and forgiveness. 🙂 Our friendship has lasted 38 years 🙂
Friends I found when I moved to the city to work. Found out after a few months that I better cut ties. Drinking all the time was not my thing.
my very first boyfriend .. i was so in love but also naive and i would do ANYTHING to stay with him ..he used me over and over again ..would break up with me and then come crawling back after a few months … i never thought i would get over it and find love again ..until i met my husband 🙂
My friend from my childhood would always make me feel less than- she was a bully. It took age and maturity to realize I EMPOWERED and PERPETUATED her to do that in my life. It took finding my inner confidence and self to finally stand up and redefine what i wanted to relationship to look like. And what a gift to me… how i wanted the relationship to be didn’t work for her so she walked out of my life. Its those type of people that I can finally recognize- i don’t need, they filed a roll in my life that i was done being and i rose above to a happier more authentic self.
I remember in my last year of high school I developed feelings for this girl that had been a classmate since the 7th grade. Our parents always dropped us off super early and we would always have very in depth conversations each morning until our other friends arrived. Anyway, I felt like she mirrored the feelings I had for her but that both of us ended up being too frightened to declare our love for one another. It was sad because I remember wanting to ask her to prom and not having the courage. She didn’t even have a date so we actually sat with each other at a table in silence for portions of the evening. We both graduated and I thought that was it. But one day shortly after she contacted me out of the blue to congratulate me on a personal achievement that I had had. I felt like at the time that that was my one and only chance. I asked her out, albeit through an email which was my only source of communication with her at the time. I poured my feelings out, telling he how much I appreciated our talks every morning, how I thought she was beautiful and smart and I wished that I hadn’t waited until that moment to let her know how I felt. Well my perception of what she was feeling was very wrong because we didn’t speak for another two years. I guess I must’ve weirded her out or something because I even saw her out and about shortly after and she quickly turned away when she noticed I was trying to get her attention. Anyway, I guess the moral of the story is that love can sometimes be beer goggles for the heart.
It’s confession time. Hubby and I deal a lot with entertainers, and their glorious little worlds. I am cautious and keep my distance, but he got wrapped up in the women and booze. I just about blew a 30 year marriage. Fortunately, I was able to convince him to go to AA and see the errors of his way. We are not totally 100%, but well on our way.
Experiencing my first breakup and getting back from it after a while.
Realizing that no matter what I did, my feelings for my husband would never change from friendship. I let him take the time he needed to accept this and ended our marriage of 8 years.
complicated question…
I was in a bad relationship for longer than I should have because I perceived the relationship incorrectly.
What is my perception of relationship? Hmm,, let me think….
When it comes to relationships, we all make mistakes especially when we’re young and inexperience . Sometimes when both parties are hurt, they say or do things they don’t mean regardless it’s romantic and friendship type of relationships. But only those who can accept what happen and/or what mistakes they made can change and better themselves because they learn from it all. It’s easier said than done. I understand because pain lingers. But the positive note of feeling pain is that because you knew how to love and how to care so much. In a romantic relationship, pain will only linger if you still love the person and/or cared very deeply for that person. If you still think or talk about how much you hate that person, it’s because deep down inside you still care about him/her because they say in the name of love also comes sorrow & pain. Pain lingers because you remember and you remember that person because he/she at least once meant so much to you and obviously still does whether as a romantic partner or as a best friend. Sometimes some people even hurt one another unintentionally even when they both think they were both hurt intentionally or some people just completely have a misunderstanding even if it seems like they have it all figured out. Eventually as time passes by, you become wiser and you figure it all out but by that time, you’ve already found the love of your life. That’s just my opinion.
I have a friend who struggles with depression. I often think she is angry/upset with me but really it is her own emotions and inner turmoil. I sometimes want to ignore/punish her when I know deep down she can’t help it.
I gossip with my co worker who was very negative I started to complain and be negative also
I once dated this guy who was cute, friendly, funny and interested. Well, sort of dated. I couldn’t get past him because I couldn’t figure out why it never felt “right” to be with him. I hung on for years not really going anywhere with romance. Finally I recognized his lackluster zest for life and family and moved on.
Getting out of a controlling relationship was hard and took a while to overcome when you finally meet someone better
I’ve created this mindset, when it comes to interacting with people, where I feel like everything I say or do is being scrutinized. It’s hard for me to feel comfortable around people, because I’m currently not comfortable with myself.
I had some people I thought I could trust and were my best friends and they suddenly left me on my own -it was obvious at that point that I thought they were better friends then they actually were.
I used to be quite critical with boyfriends and subsequently husbands. Age, experience and wisdom have mellowed and
shown me I need to see the positives and not focus on the negatives of another.
Great contest…. I am constantly spending on paypal…. nice to get some back!
Thank you for having this giveaway and the chance to win. I had negatives with past boyfriends and friends. Moved on.