The song lyric above is from a song at my dad’s funeral. And one that is now stuck in my head for all time I’m sure.
This past week has been, well, indescribable. Now – back home – I’m finding myself a little bit lost and unsure of how to continue life “as before” when something so significant has happened only a few days ago. When will I stop counting the loss in days? Will life forever now be based upon “before” my dad died and “after”?
I want to assure you all reading this that, despite me being philosophical and very very sad, I am doing “OK”.
I understand the circle of life and know that my dad had lived a good life, did many things, and watched his children, grandchildren and great grandchilden grow. Cancer may have struck him, but it no longer holds him. He passed away into God’s hands before my very eyes and broke my heart in the exact same second.
And now? Now we move forward, honor his memory, and go on living our lives as best we can.
Tonight, tucking my girls in, they asked me if “Geido is an angel in heaven now.” I answered that yes, I suppose he is. My children, at 10, 6, and 3 will only have a very small memory of the man he was, so it will be up to me to share stories, his history, his life, with them.
Thank you to everyone who posted comments here on the blog, on Facebook and Twitter, sharing their condolences and for some, their own experience with loss. I have many thanks to give to those around me who gave me hugs, brought food, called, and took care of my kids this past week. It may take me some time to get around to all of you, but rest assured I will make sure you know how important you are to me.
Monday, I am back at work, here on the blog and perhaps later on in the week will jump back on the radio. My dad was much too hard a worker for me to not dive back in and continue to do what I love as well. I may stumble along the way these next few weeks and months I’m sure (the fog hasn’t quite lifted and I’ve noticed it takes me longer to put my thoughts into words here and in day to day conversations) but know that I’m ready to be back, knowing that keeping busy keeps me going. And when I need to take pause I will.
Thinking of you lots! No doubt your dad is watching over you tonight, giving you the strength to carry on and do the things you need to do. Cherish those happy memories and talk about him lots so your kids remember how amazing he was !
Tenille,
It’s good to hear you’re doing ‘okay’ considering. It’s also wonderful to hear you have so much love and support from family and friends. My dad passed away almost 8 months to the day and I am still counting the loss in days…..it’s a lot like how I was counting the days after my baby arrived.
I feel that I am still mourning and I am still in that phase where I remember life and moments based on ‘before’ and ‘after.’ My kids were 2.5 and 4.5 when my dad passed away. I know they won’t really remember the memories they created with him when he was still here with us, but I feel that they know him so much more after his passing because of the photos we’ve been looking at and the stories we are sharing with him. I see so much of my dad in them and that brings me comfort…that there’s a little bit of him in them. We visit the cemetery often and my kids talk to him like he is still here and is able to hear them.
For me, things haven’t gotten easier over time, but rather things have changed. I am slower to make decisions, slower to respond, slower in a lot of things, but I think it’s because my safety net isn’t quite as strong as it once was, without him here.
This long post is just to tell you that you will create a new sense of ‘normal’. I was one of those fortunate ones, like yourself, that I was able to hold him and watch him take his last breath…and it came full circle for me because I know he was there watching me take my first breath.
My thought are with you and your family. Be grateful that he was around to see you grow, be part of all the big events in your life (from the wedding to seeing his grandchildren/great grand children). If you need to chat, I am here. I completely understand what you’re going through….I’ve been there…I am still there….. big Hugs.
Tenille its great to hear you are doing “ok.” I know the feelings you must be having as I too have lost my family. First my Dad in 1995, then years later my one and only sibling, my younger brother in 2001 and the year after that my Mom. I know how difficult the days and nights are for you now. I wish I was there to give you a hug but I guess a virtual one will have to do. Thank goodness for memories, photos and the good times. We can always fall back on them. Just remember your dad isn’t “Gone” he just went to another home for now. He is in your heart and always wll be. You will see him again one day. Take care and I too am here if you need to talk.
Hugs to you.
My condolences on the passing of your dad Tenille. Enjoy the good memories you have of him and remember that even though he is not here physically, his spirit is all around you.
Sending hugs your way, Tenille. I think a loss like this is something people can’t fully understand unless it’s something they go through themselves. Take your time with your family and we’ll all be excited to see you back at work when it’s the right time for you. xoxo
Thinking of your family in this difficult time, and remember, it’s okay to not be “okay”. One thing I learned after my dad passed away is that grief is not linear. Some days are better than other.
I also wanted to share that when we lost my dad just over 20 months ago, we planted a tree in his honour and had a lovely plaque made with his name. Even in less than two years, we have seen the tree grow and fill in. My niece (who was 1yr old at the time) spread some of his ashes at the base of the tree when it was planted. It is a very special place for us, and is a sign of life, growth, and change while keeping his memory very dear.
*hugs*
Sending more love your way; I am glad to hear you are “okay”… but remember, it’s okay to also be NOT ‘okay’ if you need to be. Embrace the memories you have and know some days will be better than others; and lean on your loved ones if you need to.
I completely get it. Big hug.
Your children will continue to remember your Dad through you and your precious memories.
I feel your pain. I lost my dad 6 years ago and while it does get easier to live with further down the road, that emptiness will always be with you. It’s unfortunate, but it’s part of the cycle of life.
Keep your memories close, but keep the loved ones you have left closer.
(((HUGS)))
I totally feel for you…and I will not lie I still count the days since my Dad died and he died in 1995. I still cry , not as often but I still need to release the tears sometimes. I wish you the best and I wont say it gets easier because that never seemed right to me, there is nothing easy about it but we do continue on and well life happens and off we go. We never forget and the hurt and loss will always be with us , but happiness is there too, as life goes on. My thoughts are with you Tenille and Take care 🙂