This week, a story I read about on Huffington Post became a great catalyst for discussion among some mommy friends of mine. The story detailed that of a Utah mom who, frustrated with her 10-year old stepdaughter’s lack of empathy for a classmate she had bullied by making fun of her clothes, sent her to school in thrift-shop clothing so she could understand what it feels like to be ridiculed.
Thrift-shop debate aside (you can find some real gems in a thrift shop, so let’s assume here that mom picked some really embarrassing clothing for her stepdaughter), the overall reaction to this story is supportive. Parents are giving this mom a virtual high-five, and I’m one of those moms.
My kids are still young – at 9, 5, and 2 they are fortunate not to have experienced any real bullying here. I take issue with the term bullying being overused in our society. A playground jab, a refusal to play with my daughter one day because someone else is a BFF today, these are normal childhood experiences. They suck, but they’re not bullying.
However, bullying exists and has existed for years. I’ve experienced it. I’ve cried in my elementary school bathroom from taunts and then came back to my classroom to find a desk covered in tissues (to point out the fact that the bullies knew where I was, brutal eh?!)
It makes my heart ache to think of my daughters experiencing that – or my son being called a name or hassled because he doesn’t excel at a sport or likes a particular past time that others may not (my bookworm!)
Let’s look at the other side of the mirror here.
Bullies are someone’s child. More often than not, when speaking with parents who have children experiencing bullying – they share that the parents are no better. Interesting isn’t it? Do bullies raise bullies? Probably. But do well meaning parents raise children who are bullies, right under their noses, and have no idea? More often than we’d like to admit.
I teach my children empathy. I referee arguments between my daughters and negotiate through problems on playdates. I explain to my son why name-calling is not OK and how hurtful it is to be left out of a group even though he may really want to play with one person in particular only. We’ve discussed bullying, and make a point of telling our children that it’s not OK, and will not be tolerated either happening to them or by them. Have I done enough? What if someone saw my child being cruel to another?
I commend the mom in Utah, and parents everywhere, who instead of rushing in to defend their child, “How dare you say my child is a bully!” takes that child and gives her a real-life this is how it’s gonna be honey example. Maybe if more parents stopped defending and started taking action, we’d make some progress in the fight to end bullying.
Would you tell your friend, your sister, you co-worker if you witnessed their child engaging in bullying behavior? What do you think the reaction would be? What if someone told you it was your child being the bully?
Tough questions, but worth allowing ourselves to go-there in our minds and work through how we would handle that type of situation. That old adage of “It takes a village” applies – if a parent doesn’t know what their child is doing, how can they stop it? If a parent is aware, and the child continues the behavior, it’s time for more people to step in.
There are no easy solutions here, but no one ever in the history of the universe said parenting was easy. What do you think of the Utah mom?
I’m still on the fence about this one. Not sure I would have taken that approach. I certainly am not coming down on the mom who did make that decision just don’t think it would have been my choice and we have to use our own judgement when it comes to handling things like this. I personally don’t think a lesson is learned by trying to humiliate my own child.
There have been a lot of tragic news stories lately about kids being bullied to death (literally). Every time I read them, I think, “Where were the Bully’s parents, that they didn’t know this was happening or tried to intervene?” I’m glad to finally see another side of a Bully story. One where the teachers stepped in and brought it to the parent’s attention and where the parents have stepped up and made it loud and clear that their child bullying someone else will not be tolerated.
I’m not sure I like the message of forcing her to wear thrift store clothes, but obviously fashion is something this girl took seriously and the mom made a decision that had an impact.
I think the mom did a great job, and I hope her daughter learned from the experience. Hopefully, one less “mean girl” for the world to deal with.
I think that it would have been nice if the girl who teased me about how I dressed in middle school had her mom do this to her too. But then I could see things getting worse afterwards, I think she would have been the kind of person to hold a grudge against ME for being the cause of her humiliation.
Brand name clothing is a privilege to me, not a right. Frankly I could care less what brands I choose for my kids, I base what they wear on how it fits them and the quality of the item. I absolutely think this is a great thing the mom did. I don’t believe it is intentionally humiliating her daughter. She is teaching her daughter humility (which is a good thing in my book) and showing her how clothes really are not what is important in this life. If my child was making fun of another child’s bike or something like that my child would most certainly lose the privilege of using their own bike. I don’t see how name brand clothing is any different.
part of stopping the bullying cycle is teaching kids that we must be tolerant of all people even if we do not like them. just because you don’t like them doesn’t mean you can’t be polite and say hi, wave when waved at, or a polite acknowledgement of their existence at the very minimum. There is no reason NONE, for people to go out of their way to treat you like garbage. unfortunately when this world contains parents who exhibit this behavior, the cycle will never end. do i agree with what she did, i guess in theory it makes sense, hopefully the child “got” the message. And yes, good on her for not taking the “not my kid” approach and at least be willing to try.
I think if your child is behaving in a cruel way towards another child and doesn’t stop than it’s important to make a point loud and clear. clothes do not make the person and if she knows how it feels to be on the receiving end of the cruel comments maybe she’ll think twice before uttering those unkind words again. i’d love to hear how the bully feels about the whole thing. if she learned anything from it
My daughter never cared about ‘brands’ but I have bought some very lovely things from various charity shops for her.
All this bullying nowdays is just so sickening. I can only hope that when its time for my daughter to go off to school this “bullying” will be a thing of the past. 🙁
Bullying is a terrible thing. I do wonder whether the mother would have shared her shaming of the child if it had been her biological child, however.
Very well said. I hope that one day real bullying will not be as extreme and hurtful as it is today.
I liked what the step mom in utah did to provide the girl with a life lesson on what it feels like to be bullied! It actually took the girl 2 days in a row before she got the lesson. I myself try to teach my kids about playing and talking nice with other kids. Although i find he takes a while for the lessons to sink in.
I think the Utah mom made a good point with her child. When parents decide to look at what their child has done and address it instead of always defending them there might be some progress made.
My girls always stuck up for “the underdog” very proud how they were ith others. In high school it was uniforms .
Empathy is very important. I hope my kids are never bullied, or never bully any one. That would break my heart. I was bullied as a kid, and it was really hard. Luckily, I had some great supportive friends who not only helped me through the bullying assaults, but stood up for me. Great article, and very eye opening.
I 100% agree with the Utah mom! Good on her for taking action and finding a way to put her child on another child’s shoes!!!
my daughter is still very young but this is some food for thought for when she is older
I do not think that dressing my child up in shabbier clothes to make them the victim serves any purpose other than to provide another target for a bully. Not all bullies are bred at home. I have seen many that join in because they do not have the resolve to say no. Sometimes it is fear of being the victim themselves that makes a child participate in the act of bullying another and sometimes it is because it is easier to be a follower than a leader. Perhaps we should try to raise stronger more confident children and this goes out to the girls because we can be cruel and heartless when we are young. Let’s try to raise leaders instead of followers, let’s talk to them about poverty, prejudice, compassion and racism at a young age, let’s get them involved in the community. We as mom’s have a chance to change the world one girl/boy at a time.
I truly believe that when children at a young age care for a pet (e.g., cat, gerbil or dog) or have opportunities to engage with younger babies/toddlers at a young age…I feel that this helps develop that sense of compassion/empathy. Fostering this at a young age makes a HUGE difference in children’s lives. It’s the ‘bystanders’ that can make a BIG difference for the victims and stand up to the bullies. I like what this mom did…children need to have a sense of what the victim is feeling in order to realize how they are acting really effects those they are targeting.
I think that some “bullying” is normal and just healthy development. I’m not sure that ridiculing someone for their clothes even constitutes as bullying. I do think that the punishment was a good one but I’d call the girl a brat, not an actual bully.
The mom in Utah did what she was best for her stepdaughter. It does teach empathy. I have always tuaght my kids to be kind and empathetic towards others situations; put yourself in their shoes. My 16 yo will sometimes remind me of my own lessons when he catches me sayin something about how someone dresses or how they look.
I’m not sure I would have chosen to do what the Utah mom did, but she did what she felt was right. The daughter did need to be shown how it feels to be on the other side of the ridicule, especially if just talking to her wasn’t getting through.
As a mom who’s raised 5 children I can tell you this is probably the best way this situation could’ve been handled. I do not know the child in question nor do I know the step mom or anyone else involved. I just know this is not child abuse, food and necessities of life are not being withheld. Embarassment yes, get use to it.. won’t be the 1st time you’re embarassed. NO CHILD SHOULD BULLY another child. I would rather see this woman make her step child DRESS DOWN.. then have to deal with a step child who’s needing counselling cause the person she bullied hurt themselves, or the step child needs a lawyer because it’s gotten that much worse. Kudos to the step mom!
It would break my heart to know that my child was being bullied and I would be so sad to find out she was doing the bullying herself. I read the thrift store clothing story and thought – good for her! but i have to say… I really wish that material things didn’t matter so much for children. what clothing a child has on doesn’t reflect their worth, or their personality – especially if they are quite young. I know I experienced this much younger than I expected, and I imagine that has only gotten worse. what a shame.
It is so different for our kids then us. Now there is cyber bullying. I think all you can do as a parent is try to teach them compassion, to be accepting of all different kinds of people and teach them how bullying can have severe impacts on the other child.
I think it is interesting that this got the coverage it did. I mean, it’s just parenting.
I think that it is important to teach compassion. It is important to know your child too. If you know your child well you will probably have a pretty good idea of how to best teach him/her. I’m sure for some kids this would work great and for others it might not work at all.
(I also agree that the mom must have picked out intentionally ugly clothes at the thrift shop because you can find really nice stuff there! Although living in a small town where everyone donates to the same shop I did once show up at school in a shirt that one of my friends had donated so I guess that could have been an opening to bullying (if I didn’t have such nice friends))
Well said. I think this mom did a good job of demonstrating how it feels to be the one who’s bullied, sure her methods are a bit different but obviously it worked and the teenager understands why bullying is wrong. I feel that some kids go through this bullying ‘phase’, I admit I have been bullied and have bullied others when I was a child. Sadly, at the time I wasn’t aware of emotional and mental bullying and how much I was hurting myself. I am glad I outgrew being a bully (although I was never really one, just trying to be part of the group), which occurred not long after I ‘left’ my not so nice and highly influential friends. I think it’s a good idea that schools are starting to teach compassion and empathy, the more they know they more aware they are and are more likely not to bully others.
I think other parents should step in…very minimally with the bully and tactfully with the parents of the bully – then I would keep my eyes wide open. I don’t think we need to bully our own children to teach them a lesson. Strong guidance should do the trick.
I’m not a huge fan of what she did because I think setting up a child like that isn’t the way to go, to me it seems like the step-Mom is now being the bully. Do I think there should have been consequences? For sure. But I would take it from a learning stance vs. a shaming one. I also agree that many parents stick their head in the sand when it comes to their “sweet angels”. I know my kids aren’t perfect and I’m okay with that.
this doesn’t seem like a huge deal to me since most of my kids clothes come from second hand stores. although, being 6 and 3 they don’t care about brands yet, they just care if its comfy or has their favorite characters on it..lol…I really do worry about bullying having been bullied myself. I will for sure be a parent that knows whats going on in my kids school life. so far they love talking to me about their day.
I was bullied badly all through school, form being pushed on the playground to having my lunch stolen. Fortunately, there wasn’t any social media at the time or who knows how terrible things could have gotten. I have a low threshold today for bullying and I always tell my kids not to bully and/or. let me know if they are being bullied or if they know of someone being bullied. There should be zero tolerance. I know the pain it caused me.
Great article. My kids are still relatively young so brands aren’t an issue. If anything else, what colour the piece of clothing is a bigger deal. There haven’t been a need for us to deal with bullying or being bullied at the moment, but I can see that is something we’ll need to deal with later on. Bullying is such a big problem now…much more so than when we were young.
I don’t have children but I think she was right. All bullys are just cowards
Some bullies don’t realize they’re bullies until someone points it out and takes action. I consider myself lucky that I was never a target but there was one memorable incident. I’m in a wheelchair and when I was in Grade 1, a boy in Grade 8 grabbed my power and drove me into a brick wall. My school took this very seriously and had an assembly about the handicapped and bullying. My bully became a very caring person after that.
Very well said.I always told my children,material things do not make good people
This post Raising Compassionate Kids shows how parents have different ways to raise their children.
I don’t have any children but i think parents need to do something if their children are bullying others.
I think this mom did a good job of demonstrating how it feels to be the one who’s bullied, sure her methods are a bit different but obviously it worked and the teenager understands why bullying is wrong.
I love that this parent addressed the issue instead of denying it. She did it in the way she thought would have the most impact – whether I’d have done the same thing to make the point I’m not sure, but if it works, then it’s great. I’m doing my best to ensure my boys think about the feelings of others. I’m a mediator and try very hard to have them look at both sides, to understand impact and intent and to be sure to think before they speak. I’d have no issue telling another parent or even the child if I saw something concerning. Not to accuse, but in a caring way so they could see the impact of their actions and learn from it. If they didn’t change behaviour, I’d do my best to get the right people involved.
You couldn’t have said it any better!
This is something that is very important to me as my 10 year old daughter has been bullied throughout the year on different occasions! Where I agree with most I don’t agree that kids saying they are not playing with you today or whatever is a form of bullying its called exclusion. Now I don’t mean the typical I’m her friend today so I am not playing with you! Its mean and my daughter has had this happen on many occasions. Now I’m not one to run to the school every time something happens as I try to teach my daughter that this is life, girls can be mean and at 10 this is nothing wait until high school it just gets worse sometimes! Unless its with a different crowd and new friends it could all change. Now when my daughter is coming home 4 days in a row crying because the same thing is happening day in and day out yes then I call the school, I just like to guide her and help her resolve on her own first but after awhile enough is enough. I just worry because the number of suicides is increasing so much and I want to protect my daughter as much as possible!
Now as for what this one mother did and made her wear thrift store clothes (obviously really embarrassing clothing was chosen, because you can get some Great finds!!) Now I am wondering (because I see this is her step daughter) if she would of done this if it was her own biological daughter? I don’t know if I would ever do this to my daughter there is some good points to it, but does this make the step mom really any better? Seems to me that this could possibly be a form of bullying and there could of been other approaches to resolving this with her step daughter! I would start by saying to my daughter that 1; she would not be getting any new clothing for a certain time or say that if she needs anything new I am not going to spend good bucks buying her what she wants so maybe if she needs something she needs to spend her set amount of money searching for what she wants at a thrift store that would show my daughter that for her to dress how she perceives as “Cool” is not cheap so that will maybe let her understand better maybe why this other girl she was bullying dresses the way she does maybe she isn’t as fortunate to afford what she wears. I think that would be the first thing I do before embarrassing my daughter i was always taught two wrongs don’t make a right 🙂
Now I must add so people dont think that my daughter is spoiled LOL I dont not buy all her stuff from brand name stores, she gets the odd stuff at xmas but for the most part I buy clothing off a local buy and sell group through Facebook which I have lucked out on finding great finds and great deals, I could never afford to buy everything brand new from the stores in the mall especially with 4 kids lol 🙂
Raising a compassionate child is one of the most important goals that each parent should strive for. We all need to take care of one another.
Well said, I strongly believe that raising a compassionate child is a very important thing to do these days.
I believe that compassion is both something that is taught and a trait that is in you already. There are many examples of people who have suffered horrific atrocities in life and yet they are still able to show compassion and love for others. Bullying today is so much more difficult for the young to handle because social media can and does get involved, posting on Facebook and Twitter something negative about someone is like setting a bush fire. To raise a compassionate child one must live by example and live a compassionate life.
i’m a firm believer that a child’s behaviour is a reflection of his or her parenting (of course, not 100%. that would be unlikely!) and it’s the responsibility of the parents to instill compassion, respect and positive values when dealing with others.
I have to admit I do not like the term bullying. I think the term actually belittles bigger, more problematic abuse issues, but overstates lesser teasing, which although not nice and potentially harmful, is not in the same leaque. Unfortunately everything is being lumped together and being called bullying.
I say good for the Utah mom that could get her daughter to go to school wearing something she doesn’t want to. My daughter has a meltdown almost every morning about her outfit and she is only 7! It’s hard to say whether bullies raise bullies or not, I have wondered myself if I am doing the right thing with the way I raise my daughters. I, myself, was bullied as a child so I know how terrible it feels. But, with that being said, it is very easy to fall into peer pressure or with a crowd of “mean girls”. It’s also hard to know exactly what is going on at school when you are not there and can’t see everything your child does. Personally I would love to somehow be able to spy on my older daughter 24/7 but I know I’d be crossing a giant line! one day..
Bullying is a lot worse now I find than back in the days. Now there is bullying over the internet and such. It is horrible. I make it a point to teach my kids to be accepting of everyone and to also come up to me and tell me if something is going on at school. I would hate for them to be bullied. So scary
I agree with everything you posted. The Utah mom did the right thing. I do feel there is a greater chance of your children being like you, if you are rude they will be too. If you bully they will too. It isn’t always, but for the most part we create a lot of ourselves in our children. I loath spiders and tiny bug type things, but as setting a good example for living creatures i put my fears aside to teach my children that all living things deserve love and respect……we get from our kids what we put in.
definitely agree with the mother’s approach.
being humbled is a great lesson.
i’m on the fence.. i do agree that the child had to be humbled but that way i’m not sure was the right approach… i[‘m not saying she was wrong.. to each thier own.. but i would not have done that
I have run into situations where parents are just oblivious to how there children act (and sometimes only one parent is, the other is fully aware) and in those we have simply taught our son to be strong. I would definitely talk to someone about their kids behavior.
I see why the mother tried to teach her stepchild this lesson because sadly our world is becoming a society of people who are less empathetic than years before…well at least that is the perception the media is giving us. We have the responisibilty to shape our children the best to our ability into well rounded human beings and teaching them compassion is most certainly a character trait one needs. Just imagine not being able to feel for another human being, not being able to put yourself in their footsteps even for awhile.
I commend the mom for being a responsible parent. Bullying is no laughing matter and it frustrates me to no end when I hear parents shrug it off as “kids will be kids”. Well, guess what, often those kids who were bullies at a young age become bullies in the adult world. My daughter is young but bullying will never be acceptable. If I were to ever find out my daughter bullied another child, I would march my daughter to the other child’s home and apologize without hesitation. I find parents these days often step in too late
I am also impressed by the mother’s willingness and desire to address her child’s actions. When serious stories of bullying emerge, I often wonder if the parents of the bully were aware of their child’s behaviours. I afford the possibility that parent’s had absolutely no idea (which may be a problem in and of itself), but it’s definitely nice to read about the ways that parents who become aware take action. I don’t really buy into the link between public shaming –> broken parent-child trust. I think that whether that outcome occurs is likely a function of a lot of other things going on in that relationship.
I too would hi-five her… there are things that a lot of todays children just dont have.. imagination is one and empathy is another.. we are living in selfish times sometimes in order to learn how something affects others is to experience it.
I hope this child learned that day what it feels like to be in somone else’s shoes
I think I might have tried a different strategy because I wouldn’t want to embarrass or shame my daughter, even in the name of teaching her a lesson. It’s crucial to teach our kids compassion and empathy, and part of that is role modeling those myself. It’s never okay to ignore bullying behaviour, and I’ve had conversations with my daughter about why bullying is not okay, either as a participant or as a bystander allowing it to happen. I would definitely want other adults to let me know if that were happening so I could put a stop to it.
I think the mother took a very interesting approach – and i don’t disagree with it. she would likely know what type of action would have the most profound impact on her child and hopefully this method got the point across. Often, an explanation of right and wrong behaviour is not enough – especially if the child is following a crowd that engages in bullying or cruel acts. FEELING what it is like to be in the other person’s position may really hit home with a child (as long as the intent is not to humiliate the child). i say kudos.
It was interesting reading the comments…
I don’t think I could’ve thought of a better way to deal with my child if the case was like that.
But, speaking of “Bullies are someone’s child.”, I don’t think that the parent that pays attention to their kids and does non accept bulling as a norm) is in danger of raising bullies.
Great article! I think there is so much parents can do to help prevent bullying.
I think it so good to have a compassionate child. There aren’t enough compassionate people in this world.
I am a new mom I have a 2 year old at 23. I hope I can be as stern and realistic as the mom in Utah. Real life solutions for real life problems. My son has been socialized since he could well socialize and since the gear could turn to understand I try to curb his skills into bringing up a positive well mannered boy.