I have traveled more these past 6 months than I have in my life, and unfortunately have developed a reputation among my fellow bloggers as “the one with the lousy luck”. If a flight is delayed, I’m on it. If a flight gets in early, I’m stuck on the tarmac because there’s a mechanical issue with the plane that was supposed to leave the gate. You get it.
Some things are inevitable and I have no control over them. However, there are things…well, people…that annoy me so much when flying that it takes everything I have not to smack them upside the head (especially when up at an ungodly hour to catch a flight).
I was sharing my flying frustration with my family the other night, in anticipation of our first family flight, and this is what I came up with, in no particular order.
5 Don’ts When Flying:
1. Please for the love of all things holy, don’t fart on a plane. We’re trapped. We’re breathing circulated air, and now we’re breathing air that has just left your bowels. It’s not fair, not polite, and if you think we don’t know it’s you, think again. The one person not shuffling, looking pissed off, and trying to mask the smell with a magazine in their face is likely the culprit. Looking out the window and enjoying the flight while we squirm is a dead giveaway.
2. When is the last time that you boarded a flight and your boarding pass was all you needed? Didn’t think so. When boarding, have your pass and ID ready. They will ask for it every time and it’s not like you haven’t had the past 20 minutes or more to pull it out of your cluttered purse. My favorite are the airline employees who have no tolerance for this either and tell you to step out of the line until you’ve got your sh*t together.
3. More boarding annoyance. I’ve noticed this more in the US than Canada for some reason, but when the flight begins to board by row number, why does everyone stand up and swarm towards the gate. I’ve moved up through a line of at least a dozen people on more than one occasion by asking them if they’re in line (“No.”) If your row isn’t called, sit down! The plane will not leave without you.
4. When boarding the plane, remember there are people behind you. So when you stop abruptly at your seat, take off your jacket, and scarf, and then determine where would be best to store your luggage, the rest of us are standing there debating how hard it would be to bulldoze you over and out of our way. Step into the aisle of your seat and allow people behind you to get by. The plane won’t take off until you’re seated and ready. I promise.
5. Gum is your friend. Just like I don’t want to smell what came out of your bum, I don’t want to smell your halitosis either. Large yawns with breath that smells like dog-butt are not cool.
I wish you and yours safe and sane travels this holiday season!
ARGH! #4 is my biggest complaint with fellow flyers!!!! What is it with people who stop abruptly in front of me on a plane!??!?!?!? GARRRR! It’s like they have no clue that you are behind them or else they just don’t give a crap. All of these tips are so true! Thank you for voicing what so many of us are thinking or grumbling under our breath!
Hahha you crack me up. I love it when people just SAY it instead of thinking it! Now if we could just train everyone we’d be doing so good! 😉
Flying from San Fran….not only am I pregnant and have a nose of a blood hound these days but I get stuck sitting behind a guy with the worst breath ever and he decides he needs to talk to entire flight!!!! I almost lost my cookies a few times! Gross!
Gross Raegen! Yup, they clearly have no idea! Imagine the person next to him, ewwww!
Bwahahahahhahahahaha! I absolutely LOVE your sense of humor/writing/thinking! Ha! I absolutely cannot stand the farters (go to the bathroom for heavens sakes..) or the horrible butt breath humans. On a plane or off, don’t do it near me and if you have bad breath, I WILL tell you…
What a great post! #4 is particularly awful. I always go into my row to take off my jacket etc and then throw things overhead if I have to. I also dislike #3. I fly Southwest often and they board by letter and then number. I get so annoyed when people who should be boarding after me go in front of me. I wish the people taking the boarding passes wouldn’t allow it!
Great ideas! But ID and boarding pass when you board the flight? We have 20 flights in the last six months and have never been asked for an ID after we pass through security.
OMG. As a travel addict, I thank you for this post. LOL
Freaking hilarious. Do you remember my “To Fart Or Not To Fart” post… However I wanted to point out, in America if you are flying in America you don’t show your ID at the gate, only to get into security.
Lee
I agree with you on most except for the ID one and the luggage one. Ive only ever had to show it once. Keeping it in hand is a good way to lose your ID, which has happened to me before. And alot of times people put their luggage up first because the space between your seat and the person in front of you is not that big. So moving out of the way is easier said then done. But you made some good points. But getting through a flight will never go perfectly so focus on the positive 🙂
This is so great! BTW, I am a flight attendant and all of this (and more) bug me too! C’mon common sense is all it takes sometimes!
A while back I wrote “The Top 10 things I Hate About Being a Glamourous International Air Hostess” and one was when I’m sitting on my jumpseat by the lav door eating my meal on a 10 hour flight (the only place we have allocated to us) and a very large male passenger comes to the area. He tells me he needs to stretch after sittng for 4 hours, proceeds to turn his back to me, bend over, and let rip one — it was the start of my in flight diet! And THAT is the secret of how I stay slim at 55!!! Forget Pilates or yoga or spinning — flatulence in flight wins every time…… 😀
*sigh* Unfortunately, we Americans have quite the reputation for being rude AND stupid. I am not surprised that it is in the U.S. that you’re more likely to encounter people who swarm the gate where they’re loading by row number.