Strange Sounds Across the Canadian Prairies

Okay, people. Let’s just calm down and get a hold of ourselves. You are all freaking out about nothing here. The sound you hear is easily explained and quite normal. What you are hearing is called an “Armageddon Soul Blender”, or ASB. Before you start panicking about that, you should know that the ASB is not really a blender per se, but rather like a soul compacting machine. Yes, it is true that the world is coming to an end on December 21, 2012. I have actually chosen this date to get married because if the worst thing that happens that day is that someone spills something on their tux, we can still count ourselves lucky. Anyway, the reason that you are hearing the ASB now is simply because the Four Horsemen are getting an early start on their work. Let’s face it- about 95% of us are going to perish that day because the only ones getting into heaven are the ultra-churchy. 95% is a lot of souls, and because they really want to have this Armageddon thing finished according to schedule, they are starting now. Before you complain that you are still “entitled” (don’t get me started on entitlement and today’s youth) to another 10 months, take comfort in knowing that these preliminary souls are strictly those of the truly evil, like people who can’t merge or use signal lights, or that old lady who writes cheques when buying a loaf of bread at the grocery store. So, enjoy your last few months, and every time you hear the ASB, smile! The world is getting better by the day… well, until December 21, of course. That day is going to look like an Apocalypse! (Bring a change of underwear)